European nations negotiating with Iran over its nuclear program initially offered the upstart threat a free light-water nuclear reactor. The President of Iran, however, responded by becoming petulant, calling the offer a "colonial" insult and demanding to know if we think he’s “a child.”
Determined to reach an agreement in a way that would avoid the unfortunate necessity of bombing Iran’s nuclear facilities, the Europeans then opted to come right out and offer exactly what the fundamentally wrong mullahdom yearns for: step-by-step instructions on how to make an atom bomb, along with enough enriched uranium for its scientists to get to work on it haste post haste.
Unsurprisingly, the offer immediately had irresistible appeal to the cranium of Iranian President Ahmadinejad, who stated, “Thank you, thank you so much! Now, we have everything we want."
"The crisis is over," French President Jacques Chirac assured an anxious world. "We have reached an agreement with Iran.” And, with his not infrequent implied backhand to the U. S., he added, “And notice we achieved it without having to go to war."
The United States, in a surprise move, congratulated both sides, citing a geographical reason. "We think the settlement is just fine," President Bush said. "After all, our European allies are a lot closer to Iran than we are."
Israel continues to be the only holdout, expressing a geographical inconvenience. As Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert maintained, "Unfortunately, we're even closer to Iran than France."
Although a resolution of the standoff with Iran is now in hand, European nations still remain uncertain about the errant nation's true nuclear intentions.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
vineri, 18 mai 2012
Internet, Which Began As Tech Wizardry, Ends Up As Ad Wizardry
The Internet, which began as the inspiration and implementation of technical wizards, has apparently ended up as the playground of advertising wizards. Witness the incessant publicity about such Internet prodigies as Google Adwords. And wherever can you click that an ad doesn’t flash at you, featuring one beast or another, from a barrel of monkeys to a cobra, or glitteraty type –- all in an energetic effort to call your attention to everything from low mortgage rates to cures for erectile dysfunction.
Our own unassuming site is hardly innocent of colorful calculations intended to cajole you into opening your wallet for one irresistible offer or another.
But then that’s the way it is with most things. The begin in brilliance and end up as a business, even when it comes to hocking the volumes that embody the greatest intellectual achievement of the human race.
The descent into pecuniary hustings grows out of the inevitable need for anybody who makes or just prints anything to tell us about it so we might consider purchasing it.
The practice goes back a long way. For instance, remember the village smithy? Even he thought to hang out a sign that said something like, “Horseshoes Made, Saddles Mended.”
The most we frazzled recipients of all the advertising hootenanny can do is hope for occasions when the attempt to extract our funds is done with taste and, when inspiration allows, imagination that invites us to attend.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Our own unassuming site is hardly innocent of colorful calculations intended to cajole you into opening your wallet for one irresistible offer or another.
But then that’s the way it is with most things. The begin in brilliance and end up as a business, even when it comes to hocking the volumes that embody the greatest intellectual achievement of the human race.
The descent into pecuniary hustings grows out of the inevitable need for anybody who makes or just prints anything to tell us about it so we might consider purchasing it.
The practice goes back a long way. For instance, remember the village smithy? Even he thought to hang out a sign that said something like, “Horseshoes Made, Saddles Mended.”
The most we frazzled recipients of all the advertising hootenanny can do is hope for occasions when the attempt to extract our funds is done with taste and, when inspiration allows, imagination that invites us to attend.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Infant Author Accused Of Plaigarism; Copied Sounds In Nursery
A newborn infant, who showed unusual promise in the hospital nursery in the modulation of her of coos and cries and was immediately swept from her mother’s arms to Harvard University, has now been disgraced as a mere plagiarist.
It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book packager, had listened, intentionally or not, to the coos and cries of her fellow newborns during her brief stay at the hospital.
Hapless child that she was, she could hardly do more than imitate their enchanting litany.
Now all has been uncovered and the infant is widely disgrace and currently inflicting unnecessary mortification on herself.
Along with the author’s disgrace with fortune and adult’s eyes, the once storied publishing company of Little Baby & Company, which optioned, not only one but two books of coos and cries from the infant, now has pabulum on its face.
To recuperate as much as possible from the catastrophic descent of its reputation, it has cancelled its contract with the babe, not only for a revised version of its present rendition of infant sounds, but for the second collection, for which, in its eagerness to make money even at the cost of its intellectual dignity, paid the newborn the sum of $700,000 for the expected twin bestsellers.
As usual, the rains of time will wash away the pabulum and the child, we hope, having one day realized the immensity of her transgression, will have the wisdom to attribute it to her preconscious state of relative unconsciousness and will go on to achieve whatever she may in the yet unknown possibilities of her post coos-and-cries intellectual development.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book packager, had listened, intentionally or not, to the coos and cries of her fellow newborns during her brief stay at the hospital.
Hapless child that she was, she could hardly do more than imitate their enchanting litany.
Now all has been uncovered and the infant is widely disgrace and currently inflicting unnecessary mortification on herself.
Along with the author’s disgrace with fortune and adult’s eyes, the once storied publishing company of Little Baby & Company, which optioned, not only one but two books of coos and cries from the infant, now has pabulum on its face.
To recuperate as much as possible from the catastrophic descent of its reputation, it has cancelled its contract with the babe, not only for a revised version of its present rendition of infant sounds, but for the second collection, for which, in its eagerness to make money even at the cost of its intellectual dignity, paid the newborn the sum of $700,000 for the expected twin bestsellers.
As usual, the rains of time will wash away the pabulum and the child, we hope, having one day realized the immensity of her transgression, will have the wisdom to attribute it to her preconscious state of relative unconsciousness and will go on to achieve whatever she may in the yet unknown possibilities of her post coos-and-cries intellectual development.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Independence Fever
1. What event do Americans celebrate with a national holiday on July 4th?
A. George Washington’s birthday
B. King George III’s ascension to the throne of England
C. Formal adoption of the Declaration of Independence from England
D. Official signing of the Declaration of Independence
C. Formal adoption of the Declaration of Independence from England
TOPICS: The official signing actually took place over several days.
2. What country celebrates a national holiday in July in honor of an 1867 act that unified the nation?
A. United States
B. Canada
C. Russia
D. Korea
B. Canada
TOPICS: On July 1, 1867, the British North America Act unified Upper and Lower Canada, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia as the Dominion of Canada. The holiday was formerly known as Dominion Day but changed to Canada Day in 1982 when the Canadian Constitution was changed.
3. What country celebrates an independence day that originated 13 years and 10 days after America’s July 4th holiday?
A. Australia
B. Canada
C. England
D. France
D. France
TOPICS: Bastille Day is a national holiday in France celebrated on July 14th. It dates back to the outbreak of the French Revolution in 1789.
4. Every revolution worth its salt has a flag for its supporters to display. What do you call a person with an expert knowledge of flags?
A. Vexillologist
B. Flagman
C. Flatulent
D. Flagellin
A. Vexillologist
TOPICS: It doesn’t make much sense until you think about revolutions. After all, vex means to agitate and you must admit a rebel flag will do that to the powers that be.
5. In 1581, the Dutch provinces within the Union of Utrecht declared their Independence from what nation?
A. Spain
B. Belgium
C. England
D. Germany
A. Spain
TOPICS: Political dissatisfaction combined with growing Protestant support caused the movement, although this battle for Independence lasted decades and was not won easily.
6. Bernardo O’Higgins was a famous revolutionary leader for what country?
A. Chile
B. Ireland
C. United States
D. None of the above, he was made up by The QuizQueen
A. Chile
TOPICS: He was a Chilean revolutionary leader and in fact declared Chile independent of Spain in 1818, although somewhat prematurely as the last Spanish forces were not expelled until 1826. He was named director general but his rule did not outlast the Spanish as he was ousted by popular opinion in 1823.
7. Between 1821 and 1829 the people of Greece battled for their independence from what empire?
A. Catholic
B. Roman
C. Russian
D. Ottoman
D. The Ottoman Empire
TOPICS: An uprising fifty years previous had failed, but during the intervening years the empire had weakened and the mood of the world had shifted to sympathize with rebels following the American and French revolutions.
8. What country celebrates its Independence Day on September 16 in honor of a martyred priest’s failed attempt to overthrow the government?
A. Ireland
B. Italy
C. Mexico
D. Spain
B. Mexico
TOPICS: Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla led a crusade to free Mexico from the oppressive Spanish colonial government in 1811. His memory was honored after Mexico attained independence in 1824.
9. How many colonies were there at the start of the American revolution?
A. 3
B. 13
C. 23
D. 33
B. 13
TOPICS: No Americans better have missed that question…
10. What country marks August 15, 1947 as its Independence Day?
A. Guatamala
B. Australia
C. Puerto Rico
D. India
D. India
TOPICS: That day marked the end of British rule in India.
11. January 1, 1912, marks what important event in Chinese history?
A. The end of imperial rule
B. Establishment of the Republic of China
C. Establishment of the People’s Republic of China
D. Establishment of the People’s Democracy of China
C. Establishment of the People’s Republic of China
TOPICS: The new Republic of China was inaugurated on that date (under a Republican form of government) although the end of imperial rule would be acceptable (even thought that ended by all effects some time in late 1911. The People’s Republic of China (under a Communist form of government) was not created until 1949.
12. The Russian Revolution of _____ resulted in the formation of the creation of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics?
A. 1895
B. 1905
C. 1917
D. 1927
C. 1917
TOPICS: There was a Russian Revolution of 1905 that did earn some concession from the Czar but did not end the rule of Czars. That event came about in 1917. If you think that is nit-picky just be glad I didn’t ask what month (as there were both February and October revolts in that year!).
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
A. George Washington’s birthday
B. King George III’s ascension to the throne of England
C. Formal adoption of the Declaration of Independence from England
D. Official signing of the Declaration of Independence
C. Formal adoption of the Declaration of Independence from England
TOPICS: The official signing actually took place over several days.
2. What country celebrates a national holiday in July in honor of an 1867 act that unified the nation?
A. United States
B. Canada
C. Russia
D. Korea
B. Canada
TOPICS: On July 1, 1867, the British North America Act unified Upper and Lower Canada, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia as the Dominion of Canada. The holiday was formerly known as Dominion Day but changed to Canada Day in 1982 when the Canadian Constitution was changed.
3. What country celebrates an independence day that originated 13 years and 10 days after America’s July 4th holiday?
A. Australia
B. Canada
C. England
D. France
D. France
TOPICS: Bastille Day is a national holiday in France celebrated on July 14th. It dates back to the outbreak of the French Revolution in 1789.
4. Every revolution worth its salt has a flag for its supporters to display. What do you call a person with an expert knowledge of flags?
A. Vexillologist
B. Flagman
C. Flatulent
D. Flagellin
A. Vexillologist
TOPICS: It doesn’t make much sense until you think about revolutions. After all, vex means to agitate and you must admit a rebel flag will do that to the powers that be.
5. In 1581, the Dutch provinces within the Union of Utrecht declared their Independence from what nation?
A. Spain
B. Belgium
C. England
D. Germany
A. Spain
TOPICS: Political dissatisfaction combined with growing Protestant support caused the movement, although this battle for Independence lasted decades and was not won easily.
6. Bernardo O’Higgins was a famous revolutionary leader for what country?
A. Chile
B. Ireland
C. United States
D. None of the above, he was made up by The QuizQueen
A. Chile
TOPICS: He was a Chilean revolutionary leader and in fact declared Chile independent of Spain in 1818, although somewhat prematurely as the last Spanish forces were not expelled until 1826. He was named director general but his rule did not outlast the Spanish as he was ousted by popular opinion in 1823.
7. Between 1821 and 1829 the people of Greece battled for their independence from what empire?
A. Catholic
B. Roman
C. Russian
D. Ottoman
D. The Ottoman Empire
TOPICS: An uprising fifty years previous had failed, but during the intervening years the empire had weakened and the mood of the world had shifted to sympathize with rebels following the American and French revolutions.
8. What country celebrates its Independence Day on September 16 in honor of a martyred priest’s failed attempt to overthrow the government?
A. Ireland
B. Italy
C. Mexico
D. Spain
B. Mexico
TOPICS: Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla led a crusade to free Mexico from the oppressive Spanish colonial government in 1811. His memory was honored after Mexico attained independence in 1824.
9. How many colonies were there at the start of the American revolution?
A. 3
B. 13
C. 23
D. 33
B. 13
TOPICS: No Americans better have missed that question…
10. What country marks August 15, 1947 as its Independence Day?
A. Guatamala
B. Australia
C. Puerto Rico
D. India
D. India
TOPICS: That day marked the end of British rule in India.
11. January 1, 1912, marks what important event in Chinese history?
A. The end of imperial rule
B. Establishment of the Republic of China
C. Establishment of the People’s Republic of China
D. Establishment of the People’s Democracy of China
C. Establishment of the People’s Republic of China
TOPICS: The new Republic of China was inaugurated on that date (under a Republican form of government) although the end of imperial rule would be acceptable (even thought that ended by all effects some time in late 1911. The People’s Republic of China (under a Communist form of government) was not created until 1949.
12. The Russian Revolution of _____ resulted in the formation of the creation of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics?
A. 1895
B. 1905
C. 1917
D. 1927
C. 1917
TOPICS: There was a Russian Revolution of 1905 that did earn some concession from the Czar but did not end the rule of Czars. That event came about in 1917. If you think that is nit-picky just be glad I didn’t ask what month (as there were both February and October revolts in that year!).
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
In Response To Miniaturization, Human Hands Get Smaller
Scientists report that human hands, which must currently struggle with ever smaller keypads and buttons on high-tech paraphernalia, have begun to grow smaller.
Unfortunately, the adaptation is not yet complete, and most human beings are still encumbered with normal-size hands. As a result, they must put up with a certain amount of infuriating digital clumsiness.
Ever attentive to how they might help improve the human body, plastic surgeons have begun to offer a variety of hand-reduction procedures, which range from the conservative approach of washing them in hot water and then desiccating them with hairdryers to the more radical procedure of hand-reduction surgery.
One eminent plastic surgeon noted, “Many people don’t realize the mental and physical toll it takes on a person with a normal-size hand to deal with a cell phone or other piece of high-tech equipment that looks as if it was designed for a midget. My guess is that the reduction in stress that these new procedures allow will also lead to greater longevity, due to an expected reduction in blood pressure and heart attacks.”
A delighted early adapter of hand-reduction surgery commented, “Wow, now my hands are so small I can whiz around the keypads on my stuff like an ant with ten legs. I’m looking forward to new gizmos that will be even smaller. I’m all ready for them.”
There have been some notable holdouts, where large hands are a real plus, particularly among jazz pianists and basketball players.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Unfortunately, the adaptation is not yet complete, and most human beings are still encumbered with normal-size hands. As a result, they must put up with a certain amount of infuriating digital clumsiness.
Ever attentive to how they might help improve the human body, plastic surgeons have begun to offer a variety of hand-reduction procedures, which range from the conservative approach of washing them in hot water and then desiccating them with hairdryers to the more radical procedure of hand-reduction surgery.
One eminent plastic surgeon noted, “Many people don’t realize the mental and physical toll it takes on a person with a normal-size hand to deal with a cell phone or other piece of high-tech equipment that looks as if it was designed for a midget. My guess is that the reduction in stress that these new procedures allow will also lead to greater longevity, due to an expected reduction in blood pressure and heart attacks.”
A delighted early adapter of hand-reduction surgery commented, “Wow, now my hands are so small I can whiz around the keypads on my stuff like an ant with ten legs. I’m looking forward to new gizmos that will be even smaller. I’m all ready for them.”
There have been some notable holdouts, where large hands are a real plus, particularly among jazz pianists and basketball players.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
In Mogadishu, Coke Is Branded As The Infidel Thing
Islamic militants who have taken over in Mogadishu and dropped the dark veil of medievalism over the minds of the citizenry have branded Coca-Cola as un-Islamic.
A hard-line sheik has declared that Westerners are enemies of Islam and their products should not be consumed.
The man has followers. One, who owns a tea shop, said, "Out of ignorance, I was selling and drinking Coca-Cola, but now I hate it so much.'
Pointing to various rules regarding beverages that grace the Koran, the militants point out that Mohammed states, "There is only one beverage, and it's name is water." They maintain that, In another place, the Prophet notes, "Things don't go better with Coke; it makes me burp." Finally, they say he reveals, "The infidels invented Coke, and true believers never imitate the infidels, except when I took ideas from Moses and Jesus, but remember: I always gave them credit, or at least as much as I could stand to give them."
As a result, the one factory that represents a drop of modernity in the impoverished burg is in danger of being shut entirely. Sales are down markedly, because many of the citizenry believe in the soft-drink wisdom of their leaders.
Doubt exists as to the genuineness among some of the citizens of the new abhorrence for the drink. A recent convert commented, "I think these backward thinkers are just the kind of people I want to follow. For me abstaining from Coke has nothing to do with the fact that they carry machine guns, and I don't own one."
There is also some forthright good news. A young man, age 31, is ignoring calls by religious leaders to stay away from it. "I love Coca-Cola," he said, "I drink it all the time. It's my favorite drink."
There was another bright spot in an otherwise dismal mindscape A consumer who considers it his favorite beverage said, "I don't have suspicions about it. I don't think hostility can work in business. Business must be free from political and religious affairs."
His level-headed comment reminds us somewhat of the sign that used to be painted on the side of the IBM building in New York City, which managed to combine the economic basis of society with the urgent need for humans to find peaceful ways to conduct themselves. It said "World peace through world trade." Nice idea. The more factories you build in another country, the less likely you are to bomb it. At least, one hopes.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
A hard-line sheik has declared that Westerners are enemies of Islam and their products should not be consumed.
The man has followers. One, who owns a tea shop, said, "Out of ignorance, I was selling and drinking Coca-Cola, but now I hate it so much.'
Pointing to various rules regarding beverages that grace the Koran, the militants point out that Mohammed states, "There is only one beverage, and it's name is water." They maintain that, In another place, the Prophet notes, "Things don't go better with Coke; it makes me burp." Finally, they say he reveals, "The infidels invented Coke, and true believers never imitate the infidels, except when I took ideas from Moses and Jesus, but remember: I always gave them credit, or at least as much as I could stand to give them."
As a result, the one factory that represents a drop of modernity in the impoverished burg is in danger of being shut entirely. Sales are down markedly, because many of the citizenry believe in the soft-drink wisdom of their leaders.
Doubt exists as to the genuineness among some of the citizens of the new abhorrence for the drink. A recent convert commented, "I think these backward thinkers are just the kind of people I want to follow. For me abstaining from Coke has nothing to do with the fact that they carry machine guns, and I don't own one."
There is also some forthright good news. A young man, age 31, is ignoring calls by religious leaders to stay away from it. "I love Coca-Cola," he said, "I drink it all the time. It's my favorite drink."
There was another bright spot in an otherwise dismal mindscape A consumer who considers it his favorite beverage said, "I don't have suspicions about it. I don't think hostility can work in business. Business must be free from political and religious affairs."
His level-headed comment reminds us somewhat of the sign that used to be painted on the side of the IBM building in New York City, which managed to combine the economic basis of society with the urgent need for humans to find peaceful ways to conduct themselves. It said "World peace through world trade." Nice idea. The more factories you build in another country, the less likely you are to bomb it. At least, one hopes.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
I'll Get Up In Just A Minute
Are you one of those people who wake up in the morning, fully refreshed and singing with happiness at the start of a bright new day?
Well, most of us aren't. And frankly, we'd rather those of you who are would knock off the racket. We're trying to get a little last minute sleep before staggering off to get our morning coffee.
Those final minutes in bed are golden.
You know the ones I mean, the last precious moments, still snug and warm under the covers, fully awake and knowing you have to get up. But not just yet. No, just a few minutes more.
This is why the snooze button is so popular on the alarm clock. People just do not want to get out of bed in the morning. Especially kids. Anyone who has tried to drag a 9 year old out of bed at 7:30 AM to prepare for an 8:30 AM school day knows exactly what I mean.
But even for adults, overcoming the morning inertia can be an exercise (and I use that word with its loosest possible meaning) of insidious procrastination.
Luckily for my family, we have an almost infallible system for overcoming this daily problem. We call our system "The Dogs."
The way this works is that Doug, our larger, main dog, will wake up promptly at 6:30, sit by my side of the bed and place his paw on my back. We call this, "Giving The Paw."
The process works something like this:
Doug:
Me: "Ok Doug, good boy."
Ten seconds go by.
Doug:
Me: "Ok, Doug. Ok."
Another ten seconds go by.
Doug: ...
Me: "Coming Doug, Coming."
Fifteen seconds.
Doug:
At this point there is an air of frantic insistence in Doug's pawing. The message is clear, either I get up to take him out or suffer the consequences.
Now, Doug is an 85 pound Labrador Retriever, and he is capable of producing some pretty hefty consequences.
Rather than face the prospect of scraping a 3 pound consequence off the living room carpet, I haul myself out of bed to take him out.
An astute reader may recall that I used the term "Dogs" to describe our automatic wake up system.
The astute reader may further assume that there is a second dog involved in this process in the unlikely event that Doug fails to produce the desired result.
The astute reader is quite correct. Zippy, our second dog, is nowhere near as subtle and restrained as Doug when it comes to announcing his morning needs.
While Doug may sit demurely by the side of the bed and indicate his desires with a considerate paw, Zippy will climb onto the bed, stick his wet nose in your face, ear or eye, whichever is most conveniently exposed, and sneeze.
This method has never failed to elicit the desired response. And has some obvious advantages over Doug's method, although for obvious reasons, I prefer Doug's system to Zippy's.
In either case, we are now up and ready to begin our day.
The following poem was written after commiserating with another family member who wanted to lie in bed for just a few more of those precious minutes this morning.
I'll Get Up In Just A Minute
Each morning when I slowly wake
I like to lie in bed,
Ignoring all the thoughts that skip
And clamor in my head.
The daily deeds that must be done,
The tasks which will not keep,
The many errands I must run
All drag me from my sleep.
I try to close my eyes once more,
And repossess my dreams,
But give up, rising to the chore
Of facing life's regimes.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Well, most of us aren't. And frankly, we'd rather those of you who are would knock off the racket. We're trying to get a little last minute sleep before staggering off to get our morning coffee.
Those final minutes in bed are golden.
You know the ones I mean, the last precious moments, still snug and warm under the covers, fully awake and knowing you have to get up. But not just yet. No, just a few minutes more.
This is why the snooze button is so popular on the alarm clock. People just do not want to get out of bed in the morning. Especially kids. Anyone who has tried to drag a 9 year old out of bed at 7:30 AM to prepare for an 8:30 AM school day knows exactly what I mean.
But even for adults, overcoming the morning inertia can be an exercise (and I use that word with its loosest possible meaning) of insidious procrastination.
Luckily for my family, we have an almost infallible system for overcoming this daily problem. We call our system "The Dogs."
The way this works is that Doug, our larger, main dog, will wake up promptly at 6:30, sit by my side of the bed and place his paw on my back. We call this, "Giving The Paw."
The process works something like this:
Doug:
Me: "Ok Doug, good boy."
Ten seconds go by.
Doug:
Me: "Ok, Doug. Ok."
Another ten seconds go by.
Doug: ...
Me: "Coming Doug, Coming."
Fifteen seconds.
Doug:
At this point there is an air of frantic insistence in Doug's pawing. The message is clear, either I get up to take him out or suffer the consequences.
Now, Doug is an 85 pound Labrador Retriever, and he is capable of producing some pretty hefty consequences.
Rather than face the prospect of scraping a 3 pound consequence off the living room carpet, I haul myself out of bed to take him out.
An astute reader may recall that I used the term "Dogs" to describe our automatic wake up system.
The astute reader may further assume that there is a second dog involved in this process in the unlikely event that Doug fails to produce the desired result.
The astute reader is quite correct. Zippy, our second dog, is nowhere near as subtle and restrained as Doug when it comes to announcing his morning needs.
While Doug may sit demurely by the side of the bed and indicate his desires with a considerate paw, Zippy will climb onto the bed, stick his wet nose in your face, ear or eye, whichever is most conveniently exposed, and sneeze.
This method has never failed to elicit the desired response. And has some obvious advantages over Doug's method, although for obvious reasons, I prefer Doug's system to Zippy's.
In either case, we are now up and ready to begin our day.
The following poem was written after commiserating with another family member who wanted to lie in bed for just a few more of those precious minutes this morning.
I'll Get Up In Just A Minute
Each morning when I slowly wake
I like to lie in bed,
Ignoring all the thoughts that skip
And clamor in my head.
The daily deeds that must be done,
The tasks which will not keep,
The many errands I must run
All drag me from my sleep.
I try to close my eyes once more,
And repossess my dreams,
But give up, rising to the chore
Of facing life's regimes.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
How to drive traffic to your website using funny videos
After a website is optimized for the search engines, some creative marketing can easily be done to help drive new traffic to your site. Many high traffic entertainment/humor websites use funny videos that are viewed for free by site visitors. In fact, many of these viral video clips that are sent around the world via e-mail originated from these websites.
The only down side to starting a funny videos site is the initial cost to build it, and ongoing update costs, coupled with the bandwidth these websites consume, which can cost between $100-$1000/month just for hosting on a dedicated server. This is because these funny videos websites have hundreds or even thousands of downloadable videos available, and every time one is viewed there is a sizable amount of bandwidth consumed.
So how do you take the idea from the funny videos platform and apply it to your own website? Webmasters can easily incorporate this creative marketing technique into their own eCommerce websites.
Think about it this way. Most eCommerce websites have one primary function: To sell a product. The key to success with an eCommerce website is to rank high in the search engines and be found by someone looking for a product. Often times when a customer visits an eCommerce site, he or she sees the same basic format. There is a nice looking home page with an overview of the company and product line, and some pictures of featured products. Then the customer can find links to other product pages as well, or do a search for a product by keyword.
But to get the customer to come back to your website and buy more products, there must be something that sets you apart from your competition. How can this be done? There are two effective methods to achieve this. In a nutshell, adding video media will bring a whole new dimension to your website to help drive new traffic and gain repeat visitors.
In the case of an entertainment website, the funny videos are the catalyst that drives the repeat traffic to the website. In the case of an eCommerce website, you can add videos to your pages that blend with the theme of a particular product.
For example, if you sell fishing gear, then you can add the funny video of the reporter in Mexico who was floating down the river, only to be repeatedly pummeled by hundreds of fish that were jumping at his spotlight into the boat. That should get a laugh from your customer, and give them something to feel good about while they are looking at your product inventory. It's kind of like a bakery. When you walk into a bakery, you are almost always enticed to buy something. It makes you feel good. Well on the internet, you unfortunately don't have the option of smelling what you see. But adding funny media can arouse other senses in a customer and make their shopping experience more enjoyable.
Another great way to help market your product is by creating 'how to' videos for your products. For example, if you sell products for sailboats, you can make a series of short 'knot-tying' videos, and feature a different type of video on each product page. This can be done easily with a digital camera that records video clips.
Here is how you can accomplish this:
1.First, set up an area where you camera is on a tripod or table.
2.Next, make sure you have a good backdrop for the video clips. You want to use an area that makes the action in the video stand out.
3.Then record the video. In the case of knot-tying, you can write a script before hand and narrate the video as you are tying each knot for the camera.
4.Then download your video clip to your computer. You can also modify the size of your video with any video editing shareware tool.
5.Simply upload the video clip to your website and link to it with a descriptive title. That is it.
One idea to make this effective is add one knot-tying clip to each product page. This will not only make the customer want to visit each page, but it keeps them interested in your website.
There is one more important point to consider. You must present the training clips so they are most effective. To do this, be sure and place them in a prominent area on each page so they can be seen. And add several lines of text under the video link with a description of the video and keywords that someone might find while searching. For example you can tag the video link with 'Instructional Video On How To Tie An Angler's Knot'.
Then lastly, you can create a separate webpage with a 'video directory' of all your videos. You want to also have search engine friendly keywords on this page as well. Then add a link to your directory page from your other pages, especially your index page.
These tips will help your website stand out from the competition. Simply by adding a few funny videos to your site, or some informative training videos that you can easily create from your home or office, you have added a creative marketing edge that goes beyond optimization.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
The only down side to starting a funny videos site is the initial cost to build it, and ongoing update costs, coupled with the bandwidth these websites consume, which can cost between $100-$1000/month just for hosting on a dedicated server. This is because these funny videos websites have hundreds or even thousands of downloadable videos available, and every time one is viewed there is a sizable amount of bandwidth consumed.
So how do you take the idea from the funny videos platform and apply it to your own website? Webmasters can easily incorporate this creative marketing technique into their own eCommerce websites.
Think about it this way. Most eCommerce websites have one primary function: To sell a product. The key to success with an eCommerce website is to rank high in the search engines and be found by someone looking for a product. Often times when a customer visits an eCommerce site, he or she sees the same basic format. There is a nice looking home page with an overview of the company and product line, and some pictures of featured products. Then the customer can find links to other product pages as well, or do a search for a product by keyword.
But to get the customer to come back to your website and buy more products, there must be something that sets you apart from your competition. How can this be done? There are two effective methods to achieve this. In a nutshell, adding video media will bring a whole new dimension to your website to help drive new traffic and gain repeat visitors.
In the case of an entertainment website, the funny videos are the catalyst that drives the repeat traffic to the website. In the case of an eCommerce website, you can add videos to your pages that blend with the theme of a particular product.
For example, if you sell fishing gear, then you can add the funny video of the reporter in Mexico who was floating down the river, only to be repeatedly pummeled by hundreds of fish that were jumping at his spotlight into the boat. That should get a laugh from your customer, and give them something to feel good about while they are looking at your product inventory. It's kind of like a bakery. When you walk into a bakery, you are almost always enticed to buy something. It makes you feel good. Well on the internet, you unfortunately don't have the option of smelling what you see. But adding funny media can arouse other senses in a customer and make their shopping experience more enjoyable.
Another great way to help market your product is by creating 'how to' videos for your products. For example, if you sell products for sailboats, you can make a series of short 'knot-tying' videos, and feature a different type of video on each product page. This can be done easily with a digital camera that records video clips.
Here is how you can accomplish this:
1.First, set up an area where you camera is on a tripod or table.
2.Next, make sure you have a good backdrop for the video clips. You want to use an area that makes the action in the video stand out.
3.Then record the video. In the case of knot-tying, you can write a script before hand and narrate the video as you are tying each knot for the camera.
4.Then download your video clip to your computer. You can also modify the size of your video with any video editing shareware tool.
5.Simply upload the video clip to your website and link to it with a descriptive title. That is it.
One idea to make this effective is add one knot-tying clip to each product page. This will not only make the customer want to visit each page, but it keeps them interested in your website.
There is one more important point to consider. You must present the training clips so they are most effective. To do this, be sure and place them in a prominent area on each page so they can be seen. And add several lines of text under the video link with a description of the video and keywords that someone might find while searching. For example you can tag the video link with 'Instructional Video On How To Tie An Angler's Knot'.
Then lastly, you can create a separate webpage with a 'video directory' of all your videos. You want to also have search engine friendly keywords on this page as well. Then add a link to your directory page from your other pages, especially your index page.
These tips will help your website stand out from the competition. Simply by adding a few funny videos to your site, or some informative training videos that you can easily create from your home or office, you have added a creative marketing edge that goes beyond optimization.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
How To Be A Modern-Day Fictional Heroine
It used to be so easy. All you needed was a thick mane of tousled auburn locks, high cheekbones and a determined little chin; add an ounce of determination and an event from your past that haunts you still. Then, wham! You were the perfect fictional heroine.
But now it’s not so simple. With television shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Ally McBeal, books like Bridget Jones’s Diary and Good in Bed, and movies like Miss Congeniality and Legally Blonde, we’re getting all sorts of mixed messages over how the ideal woman is supposed to be. What’s a modern girl who wants to hold herself up to impossible standards to do?
Simple! Just follow these guidelines, and you’ll be as witty, complex and neurotic as the rest of them. In other words – you will be the perfect, modern-day fictional heroine.
Step 1 – Be Flawed
This step is super easy, because come on, we’re all already flawed anyway, right?
Right!
Except for one little catch. It is necessary to adopt the correct flaws, and these three are non-negotiable.
1.)You must be self-involved. This includes comparing your own petty personal problems to things like death, war, and injustice, and finding some sort of unique parallel no matter what the situation may be. It also includes having a constant inner dialogue with yourself where you point out these parallels with witty commentary. For example: “Even the news reminded me of him. Yesterday I saw this report that said routine circumcision in Africa could prevent 300,000 deaths in the next ten years. What a shocker! Chopping away at a guy’s penis could help eliminate pain, loss, and heart-ache. What will they think of next?”
2.)You must have issues with food. If you plan to be a television or movie heroine, this means that you cannot eat. Period. If you plan to be a book heroine, this means that you must eat all the time, except when you’re not eating, and then you should be thinking about eating. I strongly recommend the second option.
3.)You must become preoccupied with an unhealthy relationship. This includes but is not limited to, relationships with boyfriends, friends, mothers, fathers, roommates, and exes. Especially exes.(And make sure that your ex is dreamy, preferably with a new girlfriend who is in no way as good for him as you were.)
Step 2 – Practice Retail Therapy
Today’s modern day fictional heroine realizes one fundamental truth – that there is no problem too big or too small that cannot be remedied with shopping. Again, there is a catch; you need to be careful of what you go shopping for. Hard and fast rule – anything that’s practical or cheap is out. Other than that, I have provided you a list of approved shopping items, with the most highly recommended items on top, and continued in descending order:
•Designer shoes
•Designer beauty products
•Designer chocolate
•Designer purses
•Designer lingerie
•Anything else designer
•Clothes (This is listed as the very last option because although clothes shopping can be a lot of fun, if you happen to have gone up a size, the blow to your ego will be so enormous that it will negate the therapeutic aspect of said retail therapy.)
Step 3 – Have a purpose, deeply question it, then either accept it or abandon it to find a new purpose.
Rather than go into unnecessary detail, I have created a handy-dandy chart. Just pick an option from each column and you’ll be good to go.
Column A
1.You’re a (lawyer, publisher, or banker) and you love the power and money.
2.You’re a (doctor, policewoman, or writer) and you love changing lives.
3.You’re a stay-at-home mom and you love your family.
4.You’re all of the above, and you’ve never been so fulfilled!
Column B
1.It’s all getting to be too much and nobody understands you.
2.None of it means anything anymore and nobody understands you.
3.You wish you could have some time for yourself, and why doesn’t anyone understand you?
4.Is this really what you set out to do? You did major in art history after all.
Column C
1. After meeting the right guy, you decide to chuck it all and live overseas.
2. After falling back in love with the guy you’ve been with for years, you decide to start your own home-based greeting card company.
3. After realizing that the nerdy guy is actually the one for you, you return to your career with a new sense of purpose.
4. Who needs health insurance anyway? You decide to take some time off just to focus on you.
Conclusion:
So you see; it’s really not that hard for truth to imitate fiction. Gone are the days of walking moors, wearing corsets, and dying of consumption. Nowadays all you need is a little attitude thrown in with a barely noticeable social complex. So get your credit cards ready, preheat the oven for those brownies, and start living your life as if everyone can (and wants to) hear what you have to say. A new age has arrived!
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
But now it’s not so simple. With television shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Ally McBeal, books like Bridget Jones’s Diary and Good in Bed, and movies like Miss Congeniality and Legally Blonde, we’re getting all sorts of mixed messages over how the ideal woman is supposed to be. What’s a modern girl who wants to hold herself up to impossible standards to do?
Simple! Just follow these guidelines, and you’ll be as witty, complex and neurotic as the rest of them. In other words – you will be the perfect, modern-day fictional heroine.
Step 1 – Be Flawed
This step is super easy, because come on, we’re all already flawed anyway, right?
Right!
Except for one little catch. It is necessary to adopt the correct flaws, and these three are non-negotiable.
1.)You must be self-involved. This includes comparing your own petty personal problems to things like death, war, and injustice, and finding some sort of unique parallel no matter what the situation may be. It also includes having a constant inner dialogue with yourself where you point out these parallels with witty commentary. For example: “Even the news reminded me of him. Yesterday I saw this report that said routine circumcision in Africa could prevent 300,000 deaths in the next ten years. What a shocker! Chopping away at a guy’s penis could help eliminate pain, loss, and heart-ache. What will they think of next?”
2.)You must have issues with food. If you plan to be a television or movie heroine, this means that you cannot eat. Period. If you plan to be a book heroine, this means that you must eat all the time, except when you’re not eating, and then you should be thinking about eating. I strongly recommend the second option.
3.)You must become preoccupied with an unhealthy relationship. This includes but is not limited to, relationships with boyfriends, friends, mothers, fathers, roommates, and exes. Especially exes.(And make sure that your ex is dreamy, preferably with a new girlfriend who is in no way as good for him as you were.)
Step 2 – Practice Retail Therapy
Today’s modern day fictional heroine realizes one fundamental truth – that there is no problem too big or too small that cannot be remedied with shopping. Again, there is a catch; you need to be careful of what you go shopping for. Hard and fast rule – anything that’s practical or cheap is out. Other than that, I have provided you a list of approved shopping items, with the most highly recommended items on top, and continued in descending order:
•Designer shoes
•Designer beauty products
•Designer chocolate
•Designer purses
•Designer lingerie
•Anything else designer
•Clothes (This is listed as the very last option because although clothes shopping can be a lot of fun, if you happen to have gone up a size, the blow to your ego will be so enormous that it will negate the therapeutic aspect of said retail therapy.)
Step 3 – Have a purpose, deeply question it, then either accept it or abandon it to find a new purpose.
Rather than go into unnecessary detail, I have created a handy-dandy chart. Just pick an option from each column and you’ll be good to go.
Column A
1.You’re a (lawyer, publisher, or banker) and you love the power and money.
2.You’re a (doctor, policewoman, or writer) and you love changing lives.
3.You’re a stay-at-home mom and you love your family.
4.You’re all of the above, and you’ve never been so fulfilled!
Column B
1.It’s all getting to be too much and nobody understands you.
2.None of it means anything anymore and nobody understands you.
3.You wish you could have some time for yourself, and why doesn’t anyone understand you?
4.Is this really what you set out to do? You did major in art history after all.
Column C
1. After meeting the right guy, you decide to chuck it all and live overseas.
2. After falling back in love with the guy you’ve been with for years, you decide to start your own home-based greeting card company.
3. After realizing that the nerdy guy is actually the one for you, you return to your career with a new sense of purpose.
4. Who needs health insurance anyway? You decide to take some time off just to focus on you.
Conclusion:
So you see; it’s really not that hard for truth to imitate fiction. Gone are the days of walking moors, wearing corsets, and dying of consumption. Nowadays all you need is a little attitude thrown in with a barely noticeable social complex. So get your credit cards ready, preheat the oven for those brownies, and start living your life as if everyone can (and wants to) hear what you have to say. A new age has arrived!
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
How NOT to handle bad breath
We've all been there. You round the corner to your cubical ready to start the day's work when you are suddenly accosted by the familiar stench of a co-worker's bad breath.
"Here we go again...", you think. "Another 'H'-filled tirade that won't ever permeate my ears because I'm too busy trying to keep it from permeating my nose."
"So anywahhhhy," continues your co-worker, "Hhhhank Hhhhenshhhhaaw from Hhhhuman Reshhhhourcess told me ouhhhhhr 401k plahhhhn is an outstahhhhnding invehhhhhstment optiohhhhhn..."
Somehow, we'd like to think that our forced smile and wilting eyelashes might tell the offending party that there's something less than stellar about the way they are coming across. Unfortunately, that's simply wishful thinking. The problem is that no one knows they have a problem. We seem to be immune to our own stench, and unlike Willy Nelson's muse, it's never on our minds.
So how do you tell someone that their breathe is causing you to have a problem differentiating their head from their derriere? Sure, if it's someone you know and are comfortable with, you can try honesty. Still, even honesty has it's own set of problems. Do you play it off like it's a one-time occurrence you just noticed and hope that mentioning it takes care of the situation for good? Do you sit them down and have a serious discussion which could ultimately embarrass them or make you look like the bad person? How will they react to either scenario? You'd want to be told if you had bad breath, wouldn't you? Would you feel comfortable being told by this person that you have bad breath? Do you really know them well enough to be discussing this situation with them?
These are all important questions whose answers will vary with each unique situation. Still, there are some things you can avoid saying that are universal across all situations. I have taken the liberty of listing a few of them below. Remember, honesty is the best policy, but brutal honesty is often unnecessary.
# 1 Gee, is that your breath or did I blow my nose right after wiping my ass?
# 2 And now here's me with the weather: Thanks, me! Well it looks like there's a stank front moving due east from wherever your mouth happens to be. We're looking at a 100% chance of Halitosis throughout the rest of your life. Sports is next followed by today’s lottery numbers. Stay Tuned!
# 3 I don't mean to be rude but your horrible breath is melting my face. To have to stand here and listen to you is agonizingly painful. Hey, you ever see that "Alien" movie where the alien is breathing in Sigourney Weaver's face and she just cringes because the thing is so scary and because it's saliva is an acid that can eat through metal? This is a lot like that because even though your saliva won't eat through metal, I'm fairly certain your mouth-stench will and that is scaring the crap outta me, my friend. Again, I don't mean to be rude...
So you see, dear reader, one must choose carefully when approaching a subject this sensitive. Perhaps honesty is not always the best policy. Better yet, why not just leave an anonymous note...and a breath mint.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
"Here we go again...", you think. "Another 'H'-filled tirade that won't ever permeate my ears because I'm too busy trying to keep it from permeating my nose."
"So anywahhhhy," continues your co-worker, "Hhhhank Hhhhenshhhhaaw from Hhhhuman Reshhhhourcess told me ouhhhhhr 401k plahhhhn is an outstahhhhnding invehhhhhstment optiohhhhhn..."
Somehow, we'd like to think that our forced smile and wilting eyelashes might tell the offending party that there's something less than stellar about the way they are coming across. Unfortunately, that's simply wishful thinking. The problem is that no one knows they have a problem. We seem to be immune to our own stench, and unlike Willy Nelson's muse, it's never on our minds.
So how do you tell someone that their breathe is causing you to have a problem differentiating their head from their derriere? Sure, if it's someone you know and are comfortable with, you can try honesty. Still, even honesty has it's own set of problems. Do you play it off like it's a one-time occurrence you just noticed and hope that mentioning it takes care of the situation for good? Do you sit them down and have a serious discussion which could ultimately embarrass them or make you look like the bad person? How will they react to either scenario? You'd want to be told if you had bad breath, wouldn't you? Would you feel comfortable being told by this person that you have bad breath? Do you really know them well enough to be discussing this situation with them?
These are all important questions whose answers will vary with each unique situation. Still, there are some things you can avoid saying that are universal across all situations. I have taken the liberty of listing a few of them below. Remember, honesty is the best policy, but brutal honesty is often unnecessary.
# 1 Gee, is that your breath or did I blow my nose right after wiping my ass?
# 2 And now here's me with the weather: Thanks, me! Well it looks like there's a stank front moving due east from wherever your mouth happens to be. We're looking at a 100% chance of Halitosis throughout the rest of your life. Sports is next followed by today’s lottery numbers. Stay Tuned!
# 3 I don't mean to be rude but your horrible breath is melting my face. To have to stand here and listen to you is agonizingly painful. Hey, you ever see that "Alien" movie where the alien is breathing in Sigourney Weaver's face and she just cringes because the thing is so scary and because it's saliva is an acid that can eat through metal? This is a lot like that because even though your saliva won't eat through metal, I'm fairly certain your mouth-stench will and that is scaring the crap outta me, my friend. Again, I don't mean to be rude...
So you see, dear reader, one must choose carefully when approaching a subject this sensitive. Perhaps honesty is not always the best policy. Better yet, why not just leave an anonymous note...and a breath mint.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
How A Head Cold Got Me Married -- Short Version
Now that I’m settled, I must reflect on my past as a happy-go-lucky single. How can I forget the many times I’ve misled myself into a man’s loving arms, and how much I loved every minute of it?
Why, I squirm as if caught in a velvet trap…well, I could, but my second husband is standing right behind me and might ask me what I’m sitting on.
I loved my first husband, a wonderfully funny Jew whose parents had fled the Holocaust as kids. After a dozen roller-coaster relationships before my first real commitment, he was the only man I ever truly loved (Remigio, don’t look over my shoulder!)
Anyway, several years and sanity-defying relationships later, I landed in a seat in front of Him 2 in a Certified Nurse Aide class, next to a perking coffee pot.
My first husband thought he lucked out marrying his attendant. Gary was dying. I fell in love with his stubborn courage. He was the first person who ever needed me. After he died, I had a tragically brief affair. If I write about everything that happened, it’ll make an excellent trashy novel.
But Remigio stopped my new single life cold by kicking the back of my chair—HARD! He distracted me from talking to a middle-aged black lady, catching me in the middle of sniffling at her. I had a head cold.
I had been “taking it out” on Grace, who was overweight, casting her sidelong glances and sniffing loudly, while considering fetching her a cup of coffee. The pot was brewing close to me. It would’ve been hard for her to squeeze between the plastic seats. I began getting her coffee.
Sometimes I added creamer. I stirred it with the plastic stir sticks. She would ask me to add a sugar packet, please. But our relationship was rudely interrupted by the entrance of Remigio’s foot through the back of my plastic chair.
Turning around after the “kick-off,” I faced a flatly Philippino cold stare. The face, however, reminded me of a Middle-Eastern teacher I’d noticed at Ohio University, back in the 1970s.
I gulped, “So how’re you doing?” My Mom told me to be friendly to handsome strangers. And then Remigio smiled back. We got married, and near Christmas day three years later we were blessed by our Princess Angela, nut-brown as her Daddy and sporting my chipmunk cheekbones.
I guess I’d suggest more single ladies try sniffling at people to see whose attention they attract. If so, it helps if you fetch cups of coffee. It soothes people’s tired, ruffled feathers.
Be sure and add cream and sugar.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Why, I squirm as if caught in a velvet trap…well, I could, but my second husband is standing right behind me and might ask me what I’m sitting on.
I loved my first husband, a wonderfully funny Jew whose parents had fled the Holocaust as kids. After a dozen roller-coaster relationships before my first real commitment, he was the only man I ever truly loved (Remigio, don’t look over my shoulder!)
Anyway, several years and sanity-defying relationships later, I landed in a seat in front of Him 2 in a Certified Nurse Aide class, next to a perking coffee pot.
My first husband thought he lucked out marrying his attendant. Gary was dying. I fell in love with his stubborn courage. He was the first person who ever needed me. After he died, I had a tragically brief affair. If I write about everything that happened, it’ll make an excellent trashy novel.
But Remigio stopped my new single life cold by kicking the back of my chair—HARD! He distracted me from talking to a middle-aged black lady, catching me in the middle of sniffling at her. I had a head cold.
I had been “taking it out” on Grace, who was overweight, casting her sidelong glances and sniffing loudly, while considering fetching her a cup of coffee. The pot was brewing close to me. It would’ve been hard for her to squeeze between the plastic seats. I began getting her coffee.
Sometimes I added creamer. I stirred it with the plastic stir sticks. She would ask me to add a sugar packet, please. But our relationship was rudely interrupted by the entrance of Remigio’s foot through the back of my plastic chair.
Turning around after the “kick-off,” I faced a flatly Philippino cold stare. The face, however, reminded me of a Middle-Eastern teacher I’d noticed at Ohio University, back in the 1970s.
I gulped, “So how’re you doing?” My Mom told me to be friendly to handsome strangers. And then Remigio smiled back. We got married, and near Christmas day three years later we were blessed by our Princess Angela, nut-brown as her Daddy and sporting my chipmunk cheekbones.
I guess I’d suggest more single ladies try sniffling at people to see whose attention they attract. If so, it helps if you fetch cups of coffee. It soothes people’s tired, ruffled feathers.
Be sure and add cream and sugar.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
How A Head Cold Got Me Married
Now that I’m really settled down for bad or good, I can’t help but reflect on my lengthy past as a happy-go-lucky single. How can I forget the many bizarre, crazy, and benighted times I’ve misled myself into a man’s twin loving arms, and how very much I miss loving every minute of it? How?
Why, I squirm as if caught in a velvet trap…well, I could, but my husband is standing right behind me and might ask me what I’m sitting on.
Yes, it’s been nothing but high misadventure for me, especially since I lost my extremely brave and sincere first husband, a wonderful Austrian-American Jew, to combined MS and cancer on February 23, 1985.
I loved him so much…even after more than a dozen intensive, fascinating, and downright roller-coaster relationships before then, my first real commitment, he was still the only man I ever truly loved (Remigio, stop looking at this over my shoulder!)
Anyway, several eventful years and as many nerve-wracking, tumultuous, and sanity-defying relationships later, I landed in the plastic schoolroom seat in front of Remigio, my future second husband, in a five-week Certified Nurse Aide class held at a nursing home near Northgate in Seattle, next to a merrily perking and brewing coffee pot. Innocent and unknowing, I was headed for yet another high-pitched roller coaster ride.
All my relationships, especially as an adult, have been crazy ones. My first husband thought he lucked out marrying his sexy young attendant. In his early thirties, Gary was dying horribly, often in great pain, and I was forced to fall deeply in love with his stubborn courage and what was ebbing away of his once trim and athletic youthful body. He was the first person who truly needed, wanted, and loved me. His courage lasted completely, until the very end. Oh, how I have missed his loving, gentle arms.
After he died, I had several wild, bitter and tragically brief affairs. If I ever write about everything that happened, it would make three or four excellent trashy novels. Whatever, it was fun being single again, a vast relief from the hours of watching over Gary’s dying and emaciated form.
But Remigio stopped my new single life cold simply by kicking the frail back of my chair in CNA class—HARD! He received all my undivided attention, distracting me from talking to a fellow classmate, a middle-aged black lady. He caught me in the middle of accidentally sniffing at her. I apparently was coming down with a major head cold.
Really, I would like to think ‘twas because he preferred the pretty, teasingly mid-calf length crisp white skirt I was wearing for the first time in class to the pretty much bulkily pantaloned, overweight, and married other female denizens of our class. Well, Grace, the middle-aged black lady, was only sitting pat. A hard worker of several years standing, she was being “grandfathered in” as a CNA, but still had to take the class.
Remigio may have been trying to protect her from me, as I’d been sniffling at her for the last three or four sessions…such was vengeance from Karen the Terrible. SNIFF !!
Grace was sitting to the right front, I was seated to the rear left, and as I’d recently had an extremely weird experience involving three black men and a basketball, I was fitfully “taking it out” on Grace. I was casting her sidelong glances, and sniffing loudly, intermittently and guiltily considering fetching her a hot cup of coffee as the pot was brewing closer to me than her. It would have been hard for her to squeeze between the seats and fetch herself a hot, fresh cup. I began getting her some coffee.
Sometimes I added creamer. I even stirred it with the little red plastic stir sticks. She finally asked me to add a sugar packet, please.
She liked the coffee, but our distantly commiserative relationship as two ladies of nursing was rudely interrupted by the rapid-fire entrance of Remigio’s sneakered foot through the reverberating back of my nearly shattering cheap plastic chair. I’ve lovingly saved the black marks on the back of my white nursing jacket for years.
Turning around, right after the “kick-off,” I astonishingly faced a middle-aged, awfully hate-ridden, and flatly Hispanic cold stare. This angry face, however, reminded me of a similar nut-brown countenance, a Middle-Eastern teacher I’d been attracted to ‘way back at Ohio University in 1978. Said chap always mispronounced the word “equilibrium” in a characteristic accent that could shatter a glass retort. He explained the rules of physical science to us neophyte med students in as high of a pitch as he could muster, but it was musical and alluring somehow…and this kicky guy behind me looked a lot like him.
Remigio turned out to be a quite engaging and multi-talented Philippino/Hawaiian import, a seventh-degree black belt martial arts expert, a fabulous chef of all regional cuisines and one heck of a lip-locking rugged kisser, in approximately that order. I was an artist and writer of long standing who needed some work "on the side," so I'd decided to take a Certified Nursing training course and move in with a little old lady I knew who needed the help. It was a great free way to continue with my career without interference. But now this new guy had shown up in my life. What can you do when they come at you from behind like that? I tried out assuming there was something nice about him.
He gradually broke down in his enmity towards me, merrily chasing me to the bus stop in his beat-up old blue and white pickup truck. He soon followed me home, and Mommy said I could keep him. Actually, “Mommy” was that little old lady, Carrie, a disabled, fellow "freckly" dwarf (you could spot her) I was working for and living with at the time. She needed extensive in-home care, and Remigio went right to work helping us move into a larger apartment, even cooking and cleaning for us. I scarcely had to lift a finger; Remigio was simply everywhere, driving us to church and generally relieving me of my cares and woes until Carrie abruptly died, peacefully in her sleep. Well, possibly those Catholic nurses gave her a lethal injection. She may have been wandering around at night and screaming her lungs out. She had a very bad knee problem, and had kept me awake nights frequently with it. Again, what can you do?
We married a week and a day after Cinquo de Mayo, 1991. We’re still madly in love, and near Christmas day of 1994 we were blessed by a Pinay from Heaven, our little princess Angela, nut-brown as her Daddy and sporting my chipmunk cheekbones. Yes, Remigio is crazy about me now. We should be okay, as long as they don’t use the nets.
This incident may be the only time in history that a cold-stricken gal every attracted a lonely, jealously protective guy through being an apparently obvious, blatant and coffee-fetching sniffing presumed bigot. Bigots and non-bigots alike, take note.
I guess I’d suggest that more single white ladies, and any other intrigued parties, try sniffling (or sniffing) at nearby black people to see whose attention they furtively attract. Of course, you may inadvertently attract a black person, which might work out quite well for you, especially if they happen to be an excellent cook -- as the husband of a friend of mine (who used this method) turned out to be. Hope that he or she has a sense of humor. Or, believe in whatever powers that may be.
If so, it helps a lot if you fetch them some coffee. It soothes their tired, ruffled feathers. Seems some folks are more descendants of birds than lizards.
Be sure and add some cream and sugar.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Why, I squirm as if caught in a velvet trap…well, I could, but my husband is standing right behind me and might ask me what I’m sitting on.
Yes, it’s been nothing but high misadventure for me, especially since I lost my extremely brave and sincere first husband, a wonderful Austrian-American Jew, to combined MS and cancer on February 23, 1985.
I loved him so much…even after more than a dozen intensive, fascinating, and downright roller-coaster relationships before then, my first real commitment, he was still the only man I ever truly loved (Remigio, stop looking at this over my shoulder!)
Anyway, several eventful years and as many nerve-wracking, tumultuous, and sanity-defying relationships later, I landed in the plastic schoolroom seat in front of Remigio, my future second husband, in a five-week Certified Nurse Aide class held at a nursing home near Northgate in Seattle, next to a merrily perking and brewing coffee pot. Innocent and unknowing, I was headed for yet another high-pitched roller coaster ride.
All my relationships, especially as an adult, have been crazy ones. My first husband thought he lucked out marrying his sexy young attendant. In his early thirties, Gary was dying horribly, often in great pain, and I was forced to fall deeply in love with his stubborn courage and what was ebbing away of his once trim and athletic youthful body. He was the first person who truly needed, wanted, and loved me. His courage lasted completely, until the very end. Oh, how I have missed his loving, gentle arms.
After he died, I had several wild, bitter and tragically brief affairs. If I ever write about everything that happened, it would make three or four excellent trashy novels. Whatever, it was fun being single again, a vast relief from the hours of watching over Gary’s dying and emaciated form.
But Remigio stopped my new single life cold simply by kicking the frail back of my chair in CNA class—HARD! He received all my undivided attention, distracting me from talking to a fellow classmate, a middle-aged black lady. He caught me in the middle of accidentally sniffing at her. I apparently was coming down with a major head cold.
Really, I would like to think ‘twas because he preferred the pretty, teasingly mid-calf length crisp white skirt I was wearing for the first time in class to the pretty much bulkily pantaloned, overweight, and married other female denizens of our class. Well, Grace, the middle-aged black lady, was only sitting pat. A hard worker of several years standing, she was being “grandfathered in” as a CNA, but still had to take the class.
Remigio may have been trying to protect her from me, as I’d been sniffling at her for the last three or four sessions…such was vengeance from Karen the Terrible. SNIFF !!
Grace was sitting to the right front, I was seated to the rear left, and as I’d recently had an extremely weird experience involving three black men and a basketball, I was fitfully “taking it out” on Grace. I was casting her sidelong glances, and sniffing loudly, intermittently and guiltily considering fetching her a hot cup of coffee as the pot was brewing closer to me than her. It would have been hard for her to squeeze between the seats and fetch herself a hot, fresh cup. I began getting her some coffee.
Sometimes I added creamer. I even stirred it with the little red plastic stir sticks. She finally asked me to add a sugar packet, please.
She liked the coffee, but our distantly commiserative relationship as two ladies of nursing was rudely interrupted by the rapid-fire entrance of Remigio’s sneakered foot through the reverberating back of my nearly shattering cheap plastic chair. I’ve lovingly saved the black marks on the back of my white nursing jacket for years.
Turning around, right after the “kick-off,” I astonishingly faced a middle-aged, awfully hate-ridden, and flatly Hispanic cold stare. This angry face, however, reminded me of a similar nut-brown countenance, a Middle-Eastern teacher I’d been attracted to ‘way back at Ohio University in 1978. Said chap always mispronounced the word “equilibrium” in a characteristic accent that could shatter a glass retort. He explained the rules of physical science to us neophyte med students in as high of a pitch as he could muster, but it was musical and alluring somehow…and this kicky guy behind me looked a lot like him.
Remigio turned out to be a quite engaging and multi-talented Philippino/Hawaiian import, a seventh-degree black belt martial arts expert, a fabulous chef of all regional cuisines and one heck of a lip-locking rugged kisser, in approximately that order. I was an artist and writer of long standing who needed some work "on the side," so I'd decided to take a Certified Nursing training course and move in with a little old lady I knew who needed the help. It was a great free way to continue with my career without interference. But now this new guy had shown up in my life. What can you do when they come at you from behind like that? I tried out assuming there was something nice about him.
He gradually broke down in his enmity towards me, merrily chasing me to the bus stop in his beat-up old blue and white pickup truck. He soon followed me home, and Mommy said I could keep him. Actually, “Mommy” was that little old lady, Carrie, a disabled, fellow "freckly" dwarf (you could spot her) I was working for and living with at the time. She needed extensive in-home care, and Remigio went right to work helping us move into a larger apartment, even cooking and cleaning for us. I scarcely had to lift a finger; Remigio was simply everywhere, driving us to church and generally relieving me of my cares and woes until Carrie abruptly died, peacefully in her sleep. Well, possibly those Catholic nurses gave her a lethal injection. She may have been wandering around at night and screaming her lungs out. She had a very bad knee problem, and had kept me awake nights frequently with it. Again, what can you do?
We married a week and a day after Cinquo de Mayo, 1991. We’re still madly in love, and near Christmas day of 1994 we were blessed by a Pinay from Heaven, our little princess Angela, nut-brown as her Daddy and sporting my chipmunk cheekbones. Yes, Remigio is crazy about me now. We should be okay, as long as they don’t use the nets.
This incident may be the only time in history that a cold-stricken gal every attracted a lonely, jealously protective guy through being an apparently obvious, blatant and coffee-fetching sniffing presumed bigot. Bigots and non-bigots alike, take note.
I guess I’d suggest that more single white ladies, and any other intrigued parties, try sniffling (or sniffing) at nearby black people to see whose attention they furtively attract. Of course, you may inadvertently attract a black person, which might work out quite well for you, especially if they happen to be an excellent cook -- as the husband of a friend of mine (who used this method) turned out to be. Hope that he or she has a sense of humor. Or, believe in whatever powers that may be.
If so, it helps a lot if you fetch them some coffee. It soothes their tired, ruffled feathers. Seems some folks are more descendants of birds than lizards.
Be sure and add some cream and sugar.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Hispanic Immigrants Demonstrate; "Illegal" Not In Spanish Dictionary
Hispanic immigrants demonstrated by the thousands about what they claim is their right to become citizens of the land of the gringo.
While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in placid legality and those who do so with anxious illegality.
We looked into the matter and discovered that the word “illegal” is not in the Spanish dictionary. We entered the English version of the controversial term in an online Spanish-English dictionary, which returned the following result: “Spanish Matches: Sorry, no Spanish matches found.”
This seemed too easy an explanation of the nationwide regard for the subject as “mum’s the word,” so we decided we had inadequately pursued the matter and went at it again. We then learned that there is indeed a Spanish word for “illegal,” but, expectedly enough, it’s spelled slightly differently than it is in Ingles, as “ilegal.”
We were also able to determine that the entire illusive concept in the lingua of the demonstrators is “inmigrante ilegal”
Why, we wondered, hadn’t the distinction received at least a tip of the sombrero?
Of course, we immediately realized that many of the illegal immigrants have been in America for so long they forgot the Spanish term for themselves.
Once we understood the nature of their nascent plight, we immediately felt irrepressible sympathy for them. Imagine only feeling right at home in a country where, rather than being welcomed as a full-fledged citizen, you’re still considered just another inmigrante ilegal.
Is there an intelligent way to resolve the border dispute? And, by the way, we take “intelligent” to include mutually considerate. We even take it to mean considering the welfare of the bottom-line-bent companies that have grown accustomed to paying the low wages these indisputably noble wannabes will toil away for?
Here is our charitably inclusive resolution. We agree to legalize all the ones who got here just by hook or underground crook and would likely never make it back. T his step will delight them.
In return, the ones who were able to scrape together enough money to buy false papers agree to go back to their Hispanic homeland, which will make those who oppose their presence at least less vehement.
Finally, since we all know that the inmigrante ilegals who consent to leave will return as soon as they can swing the purchase of another set of workable papers, the American companies that depend on paying a wage that’s an outrage, such as Tyson Foods and Whatever Farms, will rest content. Surely, they and the American economy as a whole can get along for the relatively brief period a handful of the deportees find themselves legally out of the country.
The only other intelligent approach we can think of is to interview the inmigrantes one by one and begin citizenship proceedings for all the ones who seem to be upright, hard-working folks and deport all the ones who appear to be downright hard-working criminals.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in placid legality and those who do so with anxious illegality.
We looked into the matter and discovered that the word “illegal” is not in the Spanish dictionary. We entered the English version of the controversial term in an online Spanish-English dictionary, which returned the following result: “Spanish Matches: Sorry, no Spanish matches found.”
This seemed too easy an explanation of the nationwide regard for the subject as “mum’s the word,” so we decided we had inadequately pursued the matter and went at it again. We then learned that there is indeed a Spanish word for “illegal,” but, expectedly enough, it’s spelled slightly differently than it is in Ingles, as “ilegal.”
We were also able to determine that the entire illusive concept in the lingua of the demonstrators is “inmigrante ilegal”
Why, we wondered, hadn’t the distinction received at least a tip of the sombrero?
Of course, we immediately realized that many of the illegal immigrants have been in America for so long they forgot the Spanish term for themselves.
Once we understood the nature of their nascent plight, we immediately felt irrepressible sympathy for them. Imagine only feeling right at home in a country where, rather than being welcomed as a full-fledged citizen, you’re still considered just another inmigrante ilegal.
Is there an intelligent way to resolve the border dispute? And, by the way, we take “intelligent” to include mutually considerate. We even take it to mean considering the welfare of the bottom-line-bent companies that have grown accustomed to paying the low wages these indisputably noble wannabes will toil away for?
Here is our charitably inclusive resolution. We agree to legalize all the ones who got here just by hook or underground crook and would likely never make it back. T his step will delight them.
In return, the ones who were able to scrape together enough money to buy false papers agree to go back to their Hispanic homeland, which will make those who oppose their presence at least less vehement.
Finally, since we all know that the inmigrante ilegals who consent to leave will return as soon as they can swing the purchase of another set of workable papers, the American companies that depend on paying a wage that’s an outrage, such as Tyson Foods and Whatever Farms, will rest content. Surely, they and the American economy as a whole can get along for the relatively brief period a handful of the deportees find themselves legally out of the country.
The only other intelligent approach we can think of is to interview the inmigrantes one by one and begin citizenship proceedings for all the ones who seem to be upright, hard-working folks and deport all the ones who appear to be downright hard-working criminals.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Hillary Clinton To Become Republican
Hillary Clinton, long famously popular among Democrats but obsessively excoriated by Republicans, has decided to turn the tables on her opponents by becoming one of them.
In an interview, Senator Clinton told us, “There’s an old political axiom that you never spend any time trying to get the votes you already have. So I decided I didn’t have to spend anymore time as a Democrat. Since I would very likely not get even one Republican vote by continuing to tarry in that wannabe-President party, it seemed that the logical thing to do is get all their votes by becoming a Republican. Of course, since I can still count on getting all of the Democratic vote, I think I’m finally Presidential timber.”
Rumor has it that she was advised to make the deft switch from by her husband, who told her, “Look, sweetie, we’ve already had one Democratic President, and you know one of the reasons we’re still together is we don’t like to compete with each other. So how about this? Let’s get you in there as a Republican.”
Generally, Democrats reviled her for the decision but one of the cannier ones noted, “I think it’s a brilliant strategic move. Once she’s elected as a Republican, we’ll finally have a Democratic President.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
In an interview, Senator Clinton told us, “There’s an old political axiom that you never spend any time trying to get the votes you already have. So I decided I didn’t have to spend anymore time as a Democrat. Since I would very likely not get even one Republican vote by continuing to tarry in that wannabe-President party, it seemed that the logical thing to do is get all their votes by becoming a Republican. Of course, since I can still count on getting all of the Democratic vote, I think I’m finally Presidential timber.”
Rumor has it that she was advised to make the deft switch from by her husband, who told her, “Look, sweetie, we’ve already had one Democratic President, and you know one of the reasons we’re still together is we don’t like to compete with each other. So how about this? Let’s get you in there as a Republican.”
Generally, Democrats reviled her for the decision but one of the cannier ones noted, “I think it’s a brilliant strategic move. Once she’s elected as a Republican, we’ll finally have a Democratic President.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Happy Trails, America! But Where Are They?
Judging by the current national sentiment, Uncle Sam has once again wandered off the happy trails on which we’d prefer him to ride. But can we, just the usual joshing sidekick, possibly help him wend his way back through the tumbleweeds? Well, at least, we can give it a go.
To begin, let's ask how the most sagely free and prosperous nation can often wander so distressingly far from the path on which we may find the preconditions of contentment, including the wide laudation of our allies and even encouragement toward our own bliss?
What if we search for clues by separating what has guided us, nationally and internationally, into two visions: the steps we, as a nation, must take and the steps we choose to take.
Since we don’t have much choice about what necessity compels, we’re more likely to mend our ways by casting a savvy eye on what we do by volition. But just to review the various paths before us, so we find our way home with unsurpassable security, let’s briefly explore the less promising paths for remediation.
Where does the ancient bugaboo, necessity, compel us to tread?
Nationally, pretty much all that’s here is comparatively tame – the generally recognized roles of government, such as providing for the common defense, which, of course, includes whacking terrorist everywhere, preserving the right of our citizens to wake up each morning and be free to decide what they’d like to do, if only they didn’t have to go to work, and effecting the timely filling of potholes.
Internationally, we must, of course, cultivate our allies, encourage our biggest adversaries toward reassuring behavior; and do what we can to facilitate the rewards of almost-fair trade.
Since we have little or no choice about the above, we can only regard them as signposts along the trail we ought to be on or as unavoidable gopher holes we ought to approach very carefully.
Now, we come to the first signs of hope for a homeward-bound revelation – the things we actually have a choice about. And what do we see? Nothing less than where we have wandered from our happy trails.
First, nationally, we can actually choose to provide for the usual litany of things we ought to have had a long time ago, like schools we send our kids to with confidence they will return safely and filled with “news about the square of the hypotenuse,” healthcare we can afford without eviscerating our wallets, air we can inhale without significantly eroding the longevity of our lungs, and water we can drink that flows freely from our faucets. We might as individuals also choose to conduct ourselves so that we contribute to a mutually sane society, and the various vociferous factions who would impose their advocacies on all of us might reacquaint themselves with the delights of national diversity.
Now, at long last come to the point in the trail where, we think, Uncle Sam has most egregiously lost his way, that is, we have set our eyes on the things America can choose to do internationally. Here is, in fact, the very spot where we have stumbled off of our happy trails so regularly one might conclude Uncle Sam has, with some frequency, reached into his saddlebag for a sip of 80-proof guidance.
At this suspect location, we have all too often decided that the way to solve our problems internationally is to go to war. We’re not, of course, referring to the big wars, which necessity compels us to participate in, like World Wars I and II, and, just maybe, Korea. But the wars we have elected to take part in, the most wretched examples of misguidance being Viet Nam and now Iraq. These distant guns never had to sound and we never had to incur the remorseful loss of life or the economically debilitating expense of them.
But before we can stop wandering off into these woeful misadventures, we have to see an alternative path – one that definitely keeps us on our happy trails. And what might that revolutionary and salutary remediation in our international conduct consist of?
We think, having arrived at this point in our brief but perspicacious way home, that the answer is right before our eyes. Rather than warring to achieve our goals, we should, working with our allies and all the friends we can attract, use our naturally encouraging disposition and persuasive economic power to bring along nations that would actually like to be free and democratic, while we let the ones that have a problem with these self-evidently superior ideals go their own self-defeating ways.Then we would affably cultivate a world of successful emerging democracies, while our comparatively faltering antagonists would be confronted with examples that reiterate the error of their ways.
As a result, we would find ourselves, not exhausted gladiators of a reluctant empire, but happy emissaries of freedom and plenty. We would inhabit, not a world that can scapegoat us for its myriad self-inflicted agonies, but a world populated more and more by exemplars of the ways we advocate, such prosperous recipients of our benefactions that they might, we expect, actually have some unusually complimentary things to say about us.
And, speaking of exemplars, now that we would have replenished our eviscerated national treasury, we could also afford to provide our own citizenry with the sort of support systems the world’s wealthiest nation should have long ago been able to provide abundantly.
We have now wandered, though briefly, enough in our search for the way back to happy trails to know exactly the fork that has often us astray: international conduct about which we have a choice.
What we need is not the coercion of those who disagree with us, but the encouragement of those who wish to emulate us. What we need is America, not so much as a feared power, but more as a nourishing example of what we consider the most salutary principles.
We might, with these choices, actually achieve our goals internationally – and in ways that help us achieve our goals nationally.
Yes, often-wayward Uncle, with such signposts, we might once again find ourselves on happy trails – and know, for the first time, how to keep ourselves and our fabled white charger squarely on them.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
To begin, let's ask how the most sagely free and prosperous nation can often wander so distressingly far from the path on which we may find the preconditions of contentment, including the wide laudation of our allies and even encouragement toward our own bliss?
What if we search for clues by separating what has guided us, nationally and internationally, into two visions: the steps we, as a nation, must take and the steps we choose to take.
Since we don’t have much choice about what necessity compels, we’re more likely to mend our ways by casting a savvy eye on what we do by volition. But just to review the various paths before us, so we find our way home with unsurpassable security, let’s briefly explore the less promising paths for remediation.
Where does the ancient bugaboo, necessity, compel us to tread?
Nationally, pretty much all that’s here is comparatively tame – the generally recognized roles of government, such as providing for the common defense, which, of course, includes whacking terrorist everywhere, preserving the right of our citizens to wake up each morning and be free to decide what they’d like to do, if only they didn’t have to go to work, and effecting the timely filling of potholes.
Internationally, we must, of course, cultivate our allies, encourage our biggest adversaries toward reassuring behavior; and do what we can to facilitate the rewards of almost-fair trade.
Since we have little or no choice about the above, we can only regard them as signposts along the trail we ought to be on or as unavoidable gopher holes we ought to approach very carefully.
Now, we come to the first signs of hope for a homeward-bound revelation – the things we actually have a choice about. And what do we see? Nothing less than where we have wandered from our happy trails.
First, nationally, we can actually choose to provide for the usual litany of things we ought to have had a long time ago, like schools we send our kids to with confidence they will return safely and filled with “news about the square of the hypotenuse,” healthcare we can afford without eviscerating our wallets, air we can inhale without significantly eroding the longevity of our lungs, and water we can drink that flows freely from our faucets. We might as individuals also choose to conduct ourselves so that we contribute to a mutually sane society, and the various vociferous factions who would impose their advocacies on all of us might reacquaint themselves with the delights of national diversity.
Now, at long last come to the point in the trail where, we think, Uncle Sam has most egregiously lost his way, that is, we have set our eyes on the things America can choose to do internationally. Here is, in fact, the very spot where we have stumbled off of our happy trails so regularly one might conclude Uncle Sam has, with some frequency, reached into his saddlebag for a sip of 80-proof guidance.
At this suspect location, we have all too often decided that the way to solve our problems internationally is to go to war. We’re not, of course, referring to the big wars, which necessity compels us to participate in, like World Wars I and II, and, just maybe, Korea. But the wars we have elected to take part in, the most wretched examples of misguidance being Viet Nam and now Iraq. These distant guns never had to sound and we never had to incur the remorseful loss of life or the economically debilitating expense of them.
But before we can stop wandering off into these woeful misadventures, we have to see an alternative path – one that definitely keeps us on our happy trails. And what might that revolutionary and salutary remediation in our international conduct consist of?
We think, having arrived at this point in our brief but perspicacious way home, that the answer is right before our eyes. Rather than warring to achieve our goals, we should, working with our allies and all the friends we can attract, use our naturally encouraging disposition and persuasive economic power to bring along nations that would actually like to be free and democratic, while we let the ones that have a problem with these self-evidently superior ideals go their own self-defeating ways.Then we would affably cultivate a world of successful emerging democracies, while our comparatively faltering antagonists would be confronted with examples that reiterate the error of their ways.
As a result, we would find ourselves, not exhausted gladiators of a reluctant empire, but happy emissaries of freedom and plenty. We would inhabit, not a world that can scapegoat us for its myriad self-inflicted agonies, but a world populated more and more by exemplars of the ways we advocate, such prosperous recipients of our benefactions that they might, we expect, actually have some unusually complimentary things to say about us.
And, speaking of exemplars, now that we would have replenished our eviscerated national treasury, we could also afford to provide our own citizenry with the sort of support systems the world’s wealthiest nation should have long ago been able to provide abundantly.
We have now wandered, though briefly, enough in our search for the way back to happy trails to know exactly the fork that has often us astray: international conduct about which we have a choice.
What we need is not the coercion of those who disagree with us, but the encouragement of those who wish to emulate us. What we need is America, not so much as a feared power, but more as a nourishing example of what we consider the most salutary principles.
We might, with these choices, actually achieve our goals internationally – and in ways that help us achieve our goals nationally.
Yes, often-wayward Uncle, with such signposts, we might once again find ourselves on happy trails – and know, for the first time, how to keep ourselves and our fabled white charger squarely on them.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Halloween Howler
1. What rock star worked as a gravedigger before starting his musical career?
A. Roy Orbison
B. Billy Joel
C. Mick Jaggar
D. Rod Stewart
1. What famous rock star worked as a gravedigger before starting his musical career?
D. Rod Stewart
TBD: That wasn't The QuizQueen's guess either, but that's what the research says!
2. Which tradition was NOT a precursor to Halloween?
A. The Celtic tradition of giving thanks at the close of the harvest season?
B. The European tradition of lighting candles and masquerading in costume to scare evil spirits away.
C. The celebration of the birth of Marilyn Manson.
D. The Irish custom where wealthy landowners would give food to the poor in hopes that the ghosts would look favorably on them and spare them from mischief.
2. Which tradition was NOT a precursor to Halloween?
C. The celebration of the birth of Marilyn Manson.
TBD: Gosh The QuizQueen sure hopes you got that right. Although who knows what historians in the next Millenium will conclude after studying the effluvium we leave behind.
3. Which phobia is the fear of Halloween?
A. Caspariophobia
B. Samhainophobia
C. Demonophobia
D. Boophobia
3. Which phobia is the fear of Halloween?
B. Samhainophobia
TBD: Personally, The QuizQueen has always been more frightened of Caspar than Celts, but you can't quibble with the facts.
4. Where does the name "Halloween" come from?
A. In Scotland, the Celtic Feast of the Sun, which marked the end of summer was known as "Hallowe'en."
B. In Ireland, the Celtic Feast of the Sun, which marked the end of summer was known as "Hollow Eve."
C. The Druids held a ritual on that night honoring the leader of their sect. His name was Hal Ween.
D. The Roman ceremony of burying a hollow casket to trap evil spirits beneath the ground.
4. Where does the name "Halloween" come from?
A. In Scotland, the Celtic Feast of the Sun, which marked the end of summer was known as "Hallowe'en."
TBD: The QuizQueen really hopes you didn't answer "C" here.
5. What is the purpose of a witch's familiar?
A. Hey, everybody has to have a friend, even Broomhilda.
B. The stooge she sends out to lure innocent victims to her lair.
C. An animal, such as a black cat, that amplifies her power.
D. Every witch is required to have a black cat, according to coven code, so it has become tradition to see the "familiar" black cat at a witch's side.
5. What is the purpose of a witch's familiar?
C. An animal, such as a black cat, that amplifies her power.
TBD: While "A" might be true, this is the real answer.
6. Lycanthropy is a term derived from Greek. What does it mean?
A. A psychiatric state in which the patient believes he or she is a wolf.
B. A person with a deadly fear of wearing Lycra (which is used in the making of some Halloween costumes).
C. A devotee of Lycos, the ancient Roman god whose feast was originally held on Halloween.
D. An inductee of the cult of Zeus which held a yearly gathering on Mt. Lycaeus.
6. Lycanthropy is a term derived from Greek. What does it mean?
A. A psychiatric state in which the patient believes he or she is a wolf.
TBD: The QuizQueen has always wondered what they call someone with a deadly fear of Lycra…
7. How did the "jack-o-lantern" get that name?
A. An old man named Jack who was too mean even to get into hell. The Devil gave him a piece of burning coal and sent him away. Jack used a turnip to hold the burning coal and serve as a lantern.
B. The Devil's favorite dish is pumpkin pie and a clever man named Jack carved all the pumpkins in town into lanterns to drive the Devil away with a blaze of bright light and of course deprive him of his treat.
C. In ancient times, when children went trick-or-treating, they were guided by a man who carried a lantern. The guide was called a "Jack."
D. The man who first cultivated the potato and carved it into a lantern was named Jack.
7. How did the "jack-o-lantern" get that name?
A. A mean old man named Jack who was too mean even to get into hell. The Devil gave him a piece of burning coal and sent him away. Jack used a turnip to hold the burning coal and serve as a lantern.
TBD: You should deduct points if you guessed any of The QuizQueen's creative answers!
8. Can you pick out Halloween's former name?
A. All Hallow's Eve
B. All Hallow's Day
C. All Hallowmass
D. All Soul's Day
8. Can you pick out Halloween's former name?
A. All Hallow's Eve
TBD: The important thing to remember is that it was the NIGHT before!
9. The word warlock is a derivation of the Saxon-English term "war-loek" which means what?
A. Man with the magic hands
B. Oath breaker
C. Witch's husband
D. Doomed one
9. The word warlock is a derivation of the saxon-english term "war-loek" which means what?
B. Oath breaker.
TBD: Did you sing along with "A"?
10. The Celtics would carry a lantern when they walked on the eve of October 31st. These first "jack-o-lanterns" were carved with faces to scare evil spirits away. What vegetable was originally used to make a "jack-o-lantern?"
A. Turnip
B. Potato
C. Pumpkin
D. Watermelon
10. The Celtics would carry a lantern when they walked on the eve of October 31st. These first "jack-o-lanterns" were carved with faces to scare evil spirits away. What vegetable was originally used to make a "jack-o-lantern?"
A. Turnip
TBD: Sometimes you don't even need to set up the joke.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
A. Roy Orbison
B. Billy Joel
C. Mick Jaggar
D. Rod Stewart
1. What famous rock star worked as a gravedigger before starting his musical career?
D. Rod Stewart
TBD: That wasn't The QuizQueen's guess either, but that's what the research says!
2. Which tradition was NOT a precursor to Halloween?
A. The Celtic tradition of giving thanks at the close of the harvest season?
B. The European tradition of lighting candles and masquerading in costume to scare evil spirits away.
C. The celebration of the birth of Marilyn Manson.
D. The Irish custom where wealthy landowners would give food to the poor in hopes that the ghosts would look favorably on them and spare them from mischief.
2. Which tradition was NOT a precursor to Halloween?
C. The celebration of the birth of Marilyn Manson.
TBD: Gosh The QuizQueen sure hopes you got that right. Although who knows what historians in the next Millenium will conclude after studying the effluvium we leave behind.
3. Which phobia is the fear of Halloween?
A. Caspariophobia
B. Samhainophobia
C. Demonophobia
D. Boophobia
3. Which phobia is the fear of Halloween?
B. Samhainophobia
TBD: Personally, The QuizQueen has always been more frightened of Caspar than Celts, but you can't quibble with the facts.
4. Where does the name "Halloween" come from?
A. In Scotland, the Celtic Feast of the Sun, which marked the end of summer was known as "Hallowe'en."
B. In Ireland, the Celtic Feast of the Sun, which marked the end of summer was known as "Hollow Eve."
C. The Druids held a ritual on that night honoring the leader of their sect. His name was Hal Ween.
D. The Roman ceremony of burying a hollow casket to trap evil spirits beneath the ground.
4. Where does the name "Halloween" come from?
A. In Scotland, the Celtic Feast of the Sun, which marked the end of summer was known as "Hallowe'en."
TBD: The QuizQueen really hopes you didn't answer "C" here.
5. What is the purpose of a witch's familiar?
A. Hey, everybody has to have a friend, even Broomhilda.
B. The stooge she sends out to lure innocent victims to her lair.
C. An animal, such as a black cat, that amplifies her power.
D. Every witch is required to have a black cat, according to coven code, so it has become tradition to see the "familiar" black cat at a witch's side.
5. What is the purpose of a witch's familiar?
C. An animal, such as a black cat, that amplifies her power.
TBD: While "A" might be true, this is the real answer.
6. Lycanthropy is a term derived from Greek. What does it mean?
A. A psychiatric state in which the patient believes he or she is a wolf.
B. A person with a deadly fear of wearing Lycra (which is used in the making of some Halloween costumes).
C. A devotee of Lycos, the ancient Roman god whose feast was originally held on Halloween.
D. An inductee of the cult of Zeus which held a yearly gathering on Mt. Lycaeus.
6. Lycanthropy is a term derived from Greek. What does it mean?
A. A psychiatric state in which the patient believes he or she is a wolf.
TBD: The QuizQueen has always wondered what they call someone with a deadly fear of Lycra…
7. How did the "jack-o-lantern" get that name?
A. An old man named Jack who was too mean even to get into hell. The Devil gave him a piece of burning coal and sent him away. Jack used a turnip to hold the burning coal and serve as a lantern.
B. The Devil's favorite dish is pumpkin pie and a clever man named Jack carved all the pumpkins in town into lanterns to drive the Devil away with a blaze of bright light and of course deprive him of his treat.
C. In ancient times, when children went trick-or-treating, they were guided by a man who carried a lantern. The guide was called a "Jack."
D. The man who first cultivated the potato and carved it into a lantern was named Jack.
7. How did the "jack-o-lantern" get that name?
A. A mean old man named Jack who was too mean even to get into hell. The Devil gave him a piece of burning coal and sent him away. Jack used a turnip to hold the burning coal and serve as a lantern.
TBD: You should deduct points if you guessed any of The QuizQueen's creative answers!
8. Can you pick out Halloween's former name?
A. All Hallow's Eve
B. All Hallow's Day
C. All Hallowmass
D. All Soul's Day
8. Can you pick out Halloween's former name?
A. All Hallow's Eve
TBD: The important thing to remember is that it was the NIGHT before!
9. The word warlock is a derivation of the Saxon-English term "war-loek" which means what?
A. Man with the magic hands
B. Oath breaker
C. Witch's husband
D. Doomed one
9. The word warlock is a derivation of the saxon-english term "war-loek" which means what?
B. Oath breaker.
TBD: Did you sing along with "A"?
10. The Celtics would carry a lantern when they walked on the eve of October 31st. These first "jack-o-lanterns" were carved with faces to scare evil spirits away. What vegetable was originally used to make a "jack-o-lantern?"
A. Turnip
B. Potato
C. Pumpkin
D. Watermelon
10. The Celtics would carry a lantern when they walked on the eve of October 31st. These first "jack-o-lanterns" were carved with faces to scare evil spirits away. What vegetable was originally used to make a "jack-o-lantern?"
A. Turnip
TBD: Sometimes you don't even need to set up the joke.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Great Practical Jokes To Play On Your Friends
Do you have a friend who just “needs” a practical joke played on them? Well, I might be able to help you. These are original jokes, meaning that they have been played on or by me or my friends.
Please do remember to be prudent and careful in playing these jokes on people, as you don't want to hurt anyone.
1 – The fish at the beach
I have discovered that some people have a revulsion to fish. I have also discovered that these people can also react very humorously to being confronted with a fish.
So, here's the deal – get a fish, complete with it's head. You can buy one at a seafood store. Wait until your friend is digging in the sand or reading a book. They key is to wait until they are focused on something with their head close to the sand.
Now is your time to strike. Take the fish and toss it right under their nose (don't say anything). Enjoy!
2 – The water bottle while camping
While camping is another great time to play practical jokes. This one is easy. While your friend is not watching, take their water bottle and put something nasty in it, like garlic powder. Then wait til they drink it for some hilarious results. Note: it's only fair to play this joke if you have water to replace the water you messed up. It's no fun to go hiking with no water.
3 – The rock while camping
This is a classic joke, but always good. While your buddy is occupied elsewhere, put a rock in the bottom of their pack. You won't get to see their reaction, but you'll probably hear from them when they get home and find that the hauled a rock down the mountain!
So be considerate, safe, and have fun!
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Please do remember to be prudent and careful in playing these jokes on people, as you don't want to hurt anyone.
1 – The fish at the beach
I have discovered that some people have a revulsion to fish. I have also discovered that these people can also react very humorously to being confronted with a fish.
So, here's the deal – get a fish, complete with it's head. You can buy one at a seafood store. Wait until your friend is digging in the sand or reading a book. They key is to wait until they are focused on something with their head close to the sand.
Now is your time to strike. Take the fish and toss it right under their nose (don't say anything). Enjoy!
2 – The water bottle while camping
While camping is another great time to play practical jokes. This one is easy. While your friend is not watching, take their water bottle and put something nasty in it, like garlic powder. Then wait til they drink it for some hilarious results. Note: it's only fair to play this joke if you have water to replace the water you messed up. It's no fun to go hiking with no water.
3 – The rock while camping
This is a classic joke, but always good. While your buddy is occupied elsewhere, put a rock in the bottom of their pack. You won't get to see their reaction, but you'll probably hear from them when they get home and find that the hauled a rock down the mountain!
So be considerate, safe, and have fun!
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Government Monitors Phone Bills; Agrees To Pay Half
The National Security Administration, admitting it has monitored the phone bills of millions of Americans, decided to palliate the perturbed populace by agreeing to pay half of every American's phone bill.
While consumers lauded the action, reaction on Capitol Hill was mixed, with Republicans maintaining that such a gesture is fiscally irresponsible. To shore up their case, they pointed to their unimpeachable conduct in regard to the national debt.
Democrats by and large praised the gesture, with a Democratic member of The House Ways And Means Committee stating, "Do you know what it's like to get a disconnect notice? I do. But I'm not sure my Republican counterparts on the Committee are even aware such unconscionable resources for collection exist."
President Bush commented, "It doesn't seem to me that phone bills pose a problem that should channel money away from the programs on which I prefer to squander the national treasure."
But, so as not to flagrantly debilitate his already bottom-scraping approval numbers, he requested that the Federal Communications Commission examine whether or not the government has the right to help the public pay its phone bills.
Democrat Ted Kennedy was quick to respond, stating, "This is just another instance of how the current administration is out of touch with the true wishes of the American public. Why doesn't George Bush call up a few average Americans and ask if they'd like the federal government to pay half of their phone bills?"
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
While consumers lauded the action, reaction on Capitol Hill was mixed, with Republicans maintaining that such a gesture is fiscally irresponsible. To shore up their case, they pointed to their unimpeachable conduct in regard to the national debt.
Democrats by and large praised the gesture, with a Democratic member of The House Ways And Means Committee stating, "Do you know what it's like to get a disconnect notice? I do. But I'm not sure my Republican counterparts on the Committee are even aware such unconscionable resources for collection exist."
President Bush commented, "It doesn't seem to me that phone bills pose a problem that should channel money away from the programs on which I prefer to squander the national treasure."
But, so as not to flagrantly debilitate his already bottom-scraping approval numbers, he requested that the Federal Communications Commission examine whether or not the government has the right to help the public pay its phone bills.
Democrat Ted Kennedy was quick to respond, stating, "This is just another instance of how the current administration is out of touch with the true wishes of the American public. Why doesn't George Bush call up a few average Americans and ask if they'd like the federal government to pay half of their phone bills?"
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!
Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw
“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve
“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve
“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson
“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan
“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde
“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley
Social sewage.” George Meredith
“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”
We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”
Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!
Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw
“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve
“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve
“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear
“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson
“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan
“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde
“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley
Social sewage.” George Meredith
“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Gone Fishing For Trivia
1. We all know that fish travel in schools, but do you know some other plural fishey names?
A. Clutch
B. Shoal
C. Draft
D. Wave
E. All of the above
F. None of the above
G. B and C
G. B and C
TBD: It should have been wave though, don't you think?
2. Can you name the phobia that means a fear of fish?
A. Ichthyophobia
B. Limnophobia
C. Entomophobia
D. Pantophobia
A. Ichthyophobia
TBD: If you have a fear of lakes you suffer from limnophobia, of insects you have entomophobia, and of everything its pantophobia.
3. How do fish hear?
A. They don't
B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skull
C. Through their gills
D. Through their fins
B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skull
TBD: Fish hear without the aid of external ears. Sound vibrations reverberate through the bones of the skull to an internal ear. Fish also possess unique sensory organs called lateral lines. These canals along the sides of the fish can sense vibrations and, in some species, weak electrical fields.
4. What do you call a baby fish?
A. A guppy
B. A fry
C. A minnow
D. A baby fish
B. A fry
TBD: We guess that's where the expression "small fry" came from!
5. How do Anarctic icefish survive in freezing water?
A. Special antifreeze chemicals in their blood
B. Extra layers of fat which earned them the nickname "Puffy Fish"
C. Constant high level of motion to keep blood circulating
D. There is no such fish
A. Special antifreeze chemicals in their blood
TBD: We would have thought this was a made up answer if we hadn't researched it ourselves!
6. Just how much hot water can fish take?
A. Pot boilers in Ecuador survive in hot springs approaching 200 degrees Fahrenheit
B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures higher than 100 degrees Fahrenheit
C. Some fresh-water fish can take temperatures up to 80 degrees Fahrenheit without difficulty
D. Anything over 60 degrees Fahrenheit causes distress
B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures higher than 100 degrees Fahrenheit
TBD: We know we couldn't live in those springs without cooking!
7. How high can a flying fish fly?
A. 6 feet
B. 36 feet
C. 60 feet
D. 360 feet
B. 36 feet
TBD: Their flight may consist of several glides, in which they repeatedly return to the surface of the water long enough to renew their propelling power. They rise to a maximum of about 36 feet into the air and glide as far as 200 yards.
8. Just how fast can a fish swim?
A. Never over 40 mph
B. Barely 50 mph
C. About 60 mph
D. Over 70 mph
D. Over 70 mph
TBD: The fastest-swimming fish are the billfish and the tunas. One billfish, the sailfish, can swim in bursts of speed over 70 mph.
9. Known as one of the fastest fish, tunas are also built for long-distance endurance. How far do tuna migrate?
A. 7700 miles
B. 770 miles
C. 77 miles
D. 7 miles
A. 7700 miles
TBD: Swimming as fast as 30 mph, they migrate as far as 7700 miles in only four months.
10. What are the biggest fish?
A. Whales
B. Whale sharks
C. Great white sharks
D. Leviathans
B. Whale sharks
TBD: Whale sharks can reach 40 feet in length. Yes, whales are bigger, but they are not fish. Fish are cold-blooded and breathe underwater using gills; whales, on the other hand, maintain a warm and constant body temperature.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
A. Clutch
B. Shoal
C. Draft
D. Wave
E. All of the above
F. None of the above
G. B and C
G. B and C
TBD: It should have been wave though, don't you think?
2. Can you name the phobia that means a fear of fish?
A. Ichthyophobia
B. Limnophobia
C. Entomophobia
D. Pantophobia
A. Ichthyophobia
TBD: If you have a fear of lakes you suffer from limnophobia, of insects you have entomophobia, and of everything its pantophobia.
3. How do fish hear?
A. They don't
B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skull
C. Through their gills
D. Through their fins
B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skull
TBD: Fish hear without the aid of external ears. Sound vibrations reverberate through the bones of the skull to an internal ear. Fish also possess unique sensory organs called lateral lines. These canals along the sides of the fish can sense vibrations and, in some species, weak electrical fields.
4. What do you call a baby fish?
A. A guppy
B. A fry
C. A minnow
D. A baby fish
B. A fry
TBD: We guess that's where the expression "small fry" came from!
5. How do Anarctic icefish survive in freezing water?
A. Special antifreeze chemicals in their blood
B. Extra layers of fat which earned them the nickname "Puffy Fish"
C. Constant high level of motion to keep blood circulating
D. There is no such fish
A. Special antifreeze chemicals in their blood
TBD: We would have thought this was a made up answer if we hadn't researched it ourselves!
6. Just how much hot water can fish take?
A. Pot boilers in Ecuador survive in hot springs approaching 200 degrees Fahrenheit
B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures higher than 100 degrees Fahrenheit
C. Some fresh-water fish can take temperatures up to 80 degrees Fahrenheit without difficulty
D. Anything over 60 degrees Fahrenheit causes distress
B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures higher than 100 degrees Fahrenheit
TBD: We know we couldn't live in those springs without cooking!
7. How high can a flying fish fly?
A. 6 feet
B. 36 feet
C. 60 feet
D. 360 feet
B. 36 feet
TBD: Their flight may consist of several glides, in which they repeatedly return to the surface of the water long enough to renew their propelling power. They rise to a maximum of about 36 feet into the air and glide as far as 200 yards.
8. Just how fast can a fish swim?
A. Never over 40 mph
B. Barely 50 mph
C. About 60 mph
D. Over 70 mph
D. Over 70 mph
TBD: The fastest-swimming fish are the billfish and the tunas. One billfish, the sailfish, can swim in bursts of speed over 70 mph.
9. Known as one of the fastest fish, tunas are also built for long-distance endurance. How far do tuna migrate?
A. 7700 miles
B. 770 miles
C. 77 miles
D. 7 miles
A. 7700 miles
TBD: Swimming as fast as 30 mph, they migrate as far as 7700 miles in only four months.
10. What are the biggest fish?
A. Whales
B. Whale sharks
C. Great white sharks
D. Leviathans
B. Whale sharks
TBD: Whale sharks can reach 40 feet in length. Yes, whales are bigger, but they are not fish. Fish are cold-blooded and breathe underwater using gills; whales, on the other hand, maintain a warm and constant body temperature.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Getty Museum Decides To Donate Its Building To Italy
The J. Paul Getty Trust has agreed to return "significant objects" to Italy from its collection of Etruscan and Roman art, including "several masterpieces." It appears that many objects in the museum were looted from Italy and made their way to the museum though illicit dealers.
To facilitate a settlement with Italy over its claims to antiquities in the Getty Museum, the trust also agreed to donate its building to Italy.
In exchange for the antiquities and the building, Italy will "provide loans of objects of comparable visual beauty and historical importance."
If the trustees of The Getty give their nod of approval to the agreement, they will immediately begin searching for a place to display them.
Italy has also been asking other American museums to return contested objects. The Metropolitan Museum in New York recently agreed to return objects, but managed to exclude its building from the fray. Italy is also negotiating with the Princeton University Art Museum and the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.
Maurizio Fiorilli, who is a lawyer for the Italian government, maintained that all the talks were going along with "great openness,." and went on to say, “We are especially pleased when the museum agrees to include its building. In this way, Italy is assured of a increasingly splendid architectural heritage.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
To facilitate a settlement with Italy over its claims to antiquities in the Getty Museum, the trust also agreed to donate its building to Italy.
In exchange for the antiquities and the building, Italy will "provide loans of objects of comparable visual beauty and historical importance."
If the trustees of The Getty give their nod of approval to the agreement, they will immediately begin searching for a place to display them.
Italy has also been asking other American museums to return contested objects. The Metropolitan Museum in New York recently agreed to return objects, but managed to exclude its building from the fray. Italy is also negotiating with the Princeton University Art Museum and the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.
Maurizio Fiorilli, who is a lawyer for the Italian government, maintained that all the talks were going along with "great openness,." and went on to say, “We are especially pleased when the museum agrees to include its building. In this way, Italy is assured of a increasingly splendid architectural heritage.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Getting Together With Your Girlfriends
Sixty-one percent of women report they get more laughs from the time they spend with their girlfriends than from anything else they do. Female friendships are a constant source of amusement and inspiration and, according to a recent survey commissioned by Red Bicyclette® wines, 82 percent of women wish they had more time with their girlfriends.
However, while two in three of respondents report that "girl time" becomes increasingly important with age-when dorm rooms and part-time jobs are replaced by spouses, houses, kids and careers-quality time with "the girls" often gets pushed aside.
Women who want to reclaim this special time, even if only for an afternoon, can host a Rosé Soirée that celebrates warm weather and good friends. The rules are few: No pagers, cell phones, boyfriends, husbands or hang-ups. And the requirements simple: good food, wine, conversation and casual fun.
Think Pink
Pink is traditionally associated with all things female. Pink is also the color of Rosé wine, an excellent warm-weather sipper.
Flower Power
Make a big statement with a high-impact décor item, such as flowers. Select fire-engine red and hot pink of gerbera daisies to add a playful splash of color and liven up any space.
Nibbles
Stock up on small bites so you can stay with your guests and out of the kitchen. Prosciutto sandwiches on minibaguettes served with a simple avocado and grapefruit salad is a light, easy meal...and leaves plenty of room for dessert. Pink-frosted cupcakes and oversized bowls filled with pink jellybeans are excellent sweet nibbles.
Sips
Serve a well-chilled glass of wine such as the new 2005 Red Bicyclette French Rosé. Numbers to know: One bottle of wine pours about six servings.
Play
Get together for serious pampering...spa style! Encourage guests to leave their stress and shoes at the door. Set the mood with soft music, aromatherapy candles, and a glass of Rosé. Offer baskets with plenty of pink masks, scrubs and massage creams for your friends to enjoy. DIY or really spoil your guests by hiring an esthetician.
Check out a salon or beauty school for someone to perform at-home treatments.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
However, while two in three of respondents report that "girl time" becomes increasingly important with age-when dorm rooms and part-time jobs are replaced by spouses, houses, kids and careers-quality time with "the girls" often gets pushed aside.
Women who want to reclaim this special time, even if only for an afternoon, can host a Rosé Soirée that celebrates warm weather and good friends. The rules are few: No pagers, cell phones, boyfriends, husbands or hang-ups. And the requirements simple: good food, wine, conversation and casual fun.
Think Pink
Pink is traditionally associated with all things female. Pink is also the color of Rosé wine, an excellent warm-weather sipper.
Flower Power
Make a big statement with a high-impact décor item, such as flowers. Select fire-engine red and hot pink of gerbera daisies to add a playful splash of color and liven up any space.
Nibbles
Stock up on small bites so you can stay with your guests and out of the kitchen. Prosciutto sandwiches on minibaguettes served with a simple avocado and grapefruit salad is a light, easy meal...and leaves plenty of room for dessert. Pink-frosted cupcakes and oversized bowls filled with pink jellybeans are excellent sweet nibbles.
Sips
Serve a well-chilled glass of wine such as the new 2005 Red Bicyclette French Rosé. Numbers to know: One bottle of wine pours about six servings.
Play
Get together for serious pampering...spa style! Encourage guests to leave their stress and shoes at the door. Set the mood with soft music, aromatherapy candles, and a glass of Rosé. Offer baskets with plenty of pink masks, scrubs and massage creams for your friends to enjoy. DIY or really spoil your guests by hiring an esthetician.
Check out a salon or beauty school for someone to perform at-home treatments.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Gas Prices Go "Gas-tronomical!"
Recently, the price of gas has gone up approximately three or four times a day, depending on how energetic the person is who climbs up and changes the prices at your favorite filling station, until the only word for the skyrocketing astonishment is "gas-tronomical!”
President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans understand the price of crude oil is going up but they will not accept manipulation of the market. And neither will I!”
Proud words, perhaps evoked partly due to anxiety about how his credentials as an ex-oilman might weigh untowardly on his credibility and on his already in-the-well approval ratings.
In the same speech, perhaps not quite recognizing the astonishing similarity to manipulation, but in a consumer-friendly sense, he announced that he is increasing the supply of the suddenly pricey liquid by temporarily halting deposits to the U. S. Strategic Petroleum Reserve.
Nevertheless, as a result of the dramatic revaluation of the ironically golden liquid, some surprising new players have entered the gasoline business. Tiffany has announced it plans to install a fuel pump next to the counter in which it displays its most extravagant diamonds. Cartier intends to retail the gaseous bauble in solid-gold thimbles. And DeBeers, the legendary diamond merchant, will promote its pricy petrol with a variation on its usual slogan, "A diamond is forever," with “A tankful is not forever."
On the other hand, Average Americans, in an effort to accommodate the daily dozen or so price rises, have adopted new ways to get to work. One, called deep carpooling, requires commuters to stuff themselves into cars until their arms and legs are sticking out the windows. Another is to hitch a half-dozen or so cars together, so they can all move along with only one engine burning the precious fuel.
Others have once again opted for the uncertainties of mass transportation and, as expected, are often arriving at work late en mass.
But Americans are a can do people, no matter how much a can of Middle Eastern oil attempts to grease the skids in their wallets.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans understand the price of crude oil is going up but they will not accept manipulation of the market. And neither will I!”
Proud words, perhaps evoked partly due to anxiety about how his credentials as an ex-oilman might weigh untowardly on his credibility and on his already in-the-well approval ratings.
In the same speech, perhaps not quite recognizing the astonishing similarity to manipulation, but in a consumer-friendly sense, he announced that he is increasing the supply of the suddenly pricey liquid by temporarily halting deposits to the U. S. Strategic Petroleum Reserve.
Nevertheless, as a result of the dramatic revaluation of the ironically golden liquid, some surprising new players have entered the gasoline business. Tiffany has announced it plans to install a fuel pump next to the counter in which it displays its most extravagant diamonds. Cartier intends to retail the gaseous bauble in solid-gold thimbles. And DeBeers, the legendary diamond merchant, will promote its pricy petrol with a variation on its usual slogan, "A diamond is forever," with “A tankful is not forever."
On the other hand, Average Americans, in an effort to accommodate the daily dozen or so price rises, have adopted new ways to get to work. One, called deep carpooling, requires commuters to stuff themselves into cars until their arms and legs are sticking out the windows. Another is to hitch a half-dozen or so cars together, so they can all move along with only one engine burning the precious fuel.
Others have once again opted for the uncertainties of mass transportation and, as expected, are often arriving at work late en mass.
But Americans are a can do people, no matter how much a can of Middle Eastern oil attempts to grease the skids in their wallets.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Freedom’s Walk. Narrower But Better Than Seeing It Blown Up
Today Americans, who hope to stand for freedom to an expectant world, enjoy it along a narrower walk than ever. In fact, sometimes it seems as if we have to scrunch our shoulders together to keep going and at times turn to the side to slip on by.
Why have the guardrails encroached with such uncomfortable persistence? Primarily, but not exclusively, because of the new privileges the government has assumed in order to conduct the ever-looming war on terror.
But there are a host of other incursions, such as electronic surveillance via such things as the information that goes into our credit reports and the overly numerous troopers raising money for municipalities by passing out tickets so frequently they make every driver a paranoid wreck.
But just when you feel that you ought to get as feisty as the ACLU about even the slightest encroachment on our precious freedoms, you read about the FBI stopping the al-Qaeda plan to blow up the PATH tunnel between Manhattan and Hoboken and that the information that tipped the Feds off was gleaned from surveillance of email messages.
Then, unless you like the idea of you and your fellow Americans getting blown to smithereens, you have to make peace with the encroachments as, contradictorily enough, necessary protections of freedom. After all, when people who believe in Freedom’s Walk get blown up, their part of the treasured path goes up in flames with them.
And we do get nagging reminders that a world of misguided hustlers of hatred are doing their best to blow up as many of us as they can.
So you finally have to sit back and say, hey, what if Freedom Road was wide open but the terrorists were swarming all over it with their deadly dumb bombing plans?
The consideration gives you pause and, comfy with the accommodation or not, you have to vote for a narrower but safer way along Freedom’s Walk.
And the closer you live and work in the highly targeted Manhatties, the more likely you are to stand tall for the inwardly mobile guardrails.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Why have the guardrails encroached with such uncomfortable persistence? Primarily, but not exclusively, because of the new privileges the government has assumed in order to conduct the ever-looming war on terror.
But there are a host of other incursions, such as electronic surveillance via such things as the information that goes into our credit reports and the overly numerous troopers raising money for municipalities by passing out tickets so frequently they make every driver a paranoid wreck.
But just when you feel that you ought to get as feisty as the ACLU about even the slightest encroachment on our precious freedoms, you read about the FBI stopping the al-Qaeda plan to blow up the PATH tunnel between Manhattan and Hoboken and that the information that tipped the Feds off was gleaned from surveillance of email messages.
Then, unless you like the idea of you and your fellow Americans getting blown to smithereens, you have to make peace with the encroachments as, contradictorily enough, necessary protections of freedom. After all, when people who believe in Freedom’s Walk get blown up, their part of the treasured path goes up in flames with them.
And we do get nagging reminders that a world of misguided hustlers of hatred are doing their best to blow up as many of us as they can.
So you finally have to sit back and say, hey, what if Freedom Road was wide open but the terrorists were swarming all over it with their deadly dumb bombing plans?
The consideration gives you pause and, comfy with the accommodation or not, you have to vote for a narrower but safer way along Freedom’s Walk.
And the closer you live and work in the highly targeted Manhatties, the more likely you are to stand tall for the inwardly mobile guardrails.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Free goughnuts
One night after spending hours in our local club and consuming large amounts of alcohol me and a few of my friends were on the way to a well know fast food chain outlet to get some food. At the doors we were stopped by a homeless guy asking us to donate him some money in order for him to get some food. Being nicely happy we decided to get him some ourselves.
After spending, what seemed like hours in the queue we slowly walked back to the door only to discover that one of my burger buns was not there. Obviously I have decided to go back and complain. Surprisingly a nice lady at the counter did not even ask any questions. She was very apologetic and on top of that I got given 6 chocolate doughnuts as compensation.
On the way out I have discovered a bun lying on the floor next to the door. It turned out that when I was carrying my food I have managed to lose the top bit of my burger. So it was not kitchen staff’s fault at the end. Nevertheless we walked out to get some fresh air and eat our food.
Outside there was the same homeless guy asking more people to sponsor his meal. He was probably even less sober than us because he came up to me for the second time with the same food request. Since I now had extra doughnuts I decided to give him the whole lot of 6 as well as the chips we got him. It does feel good helping someone less fortunate than you.
The homeless guy took the food, had a little sniff and binned the whole lot straight away. While me and my friends were standing there stunned by his audacious behaviour he turned around and went off to ask more people for money. I guess he was not hungry after all…
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
After spending, what seemed like hours in the queue we slowly walked back to the door only to discover that one of my burger buns was not there. Obviously I have decided to go back and complain. Surprisingly a nice lady at the counter did not even ask any questions. She was very apologetic and on top of that I got given 6 chocolate doughnuts as compensation.
On the way out I have discovered a bun lying on the floor next to the door. It turned out that when I was carrying my food I have managed to lose the top bit of my burger. So it was not kitchen staff’s fault at the end. Nevertheless we walked out to get some fresh air and eat our food.
Outside there was the same homeless guy asking more people to sponsor his meal. He was probably even less sober than us because he came up to me for the second time with the same food request. Since I now had extra doughnuts I decided to give him the whole lot of 6 as well as the chips we got him. It does feel good helping someone less fortunate than you.
The homeless guy took the food, had a little sniff and binned the whole lot straight away. While me and my friends were standing there stunned by his audacious behaviour he turned around and went off to ask more people for money. I guess he was not hungry after all…
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
France Attacks Iran: U. S. And Britain Object
France, casting aside its usual insistence on diplomacy, even when it’s obvious to every person who happens to be alert that it can’t work, finally grew impatient with Iran’s centrifuge-rattling behavior and launched a unilateral attack on it.
As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections.
President Bush said, “I just don’t understand why the French have gone ahead and attacked Iran without consulting us. It’s just not right to do things without having your allies on board.”
Tony Blair stated, “I would have thought President Chirac would have given more time for diplomacy to work. After all, we know it’s going to be at least a month or more before Iran has an atomic bomb.”
On the other hand, German Chancellor Merkel voiced support for the French attack, saying, “I actually felt it was time for a European leader to act as highhandedly as the Americans did in Iraq."
”Meanwhile, President Jacques Chirac dismissed allied concerns and vowed to continue his go-it-alone policies, stating, "I was at my cattle ranch in Bordeaux, when I realized Iran is even closer to France than it is to America. Of course, we usually wait for America to carry on a war we know is necessary for our own safety. It’s cheaper and a lot more popular with French voters. But I decided this is one war the French had to foot the bill for, even without American and British approval.”
The U. N. has not yet issued a comment on the preemptive French strike. At the time of this writing, Secretary General Kofi Annan had only recently finished his morning coffee, the beverage that has long been named after him, and he was just about to wander over to the General Assembly to see if any diplomats wanted to discuss the possibility of discussing the attack.
On the way, he commented, “You’d think Jacques would have at least given me us some advance notice. Although a lot of people have come to doubt it, the U. N. is still here.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections.
President Bush said, “I just don’t understand why the French have gone ahead and attacked Iran without consulting us. It’s just not right to do things without having your allies on board.”
Tony Blair stated, “I would have thought President Chirac would have given more time for diplomacy to work. After all, we know it’s going to be at least a month or more before Iran has an atomic bomb.”
On the other hand, German Chancellor Merkel voiced support for the French attack, saying, “I actually felt it was time for a European leader to act as highhandedly as the Americans did in Iraq."
”Meanwhile, President Jacques Chirac dismissed allied concerns and vowed to continue his go-it-alone policies, stating, "I was at my cattle ranch in Bordeaux, when I realized Iran is even closer to France than it is to America. Of course, we usually wait for America to carry on a war we know is necessary for our own safety. It’s cheaper and a lot more popular with French voters. But I decided this is one war the French had to foot the bill for, even without American and British approval.”
The U. N. has not yet issued a comment on the preemptive French strike. At the time of this writing, Secretary General Kofi Annan had only recently finished his morning coffee, the beverage that has long been named after him, and he was just about to wander over to the General Assembly to see if any diplomats wanted to discuss the possibility of discussing the attack.
On the way, he commented, “You’d think Jacques would have at least given me us some advance notice. Although a lot of people have come to doubt it, the U. N. is still here.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
For single or for sfigati there is a virtual companion
How long are you single? From what you see a girl on your bed, if only to sleep? Well Drew Burrows evidently a long time, since he is the inventor of virtual girl. The only flaw is that it is not in three dimensions , but the benefits are there for all to see, change position ee close to you based on your movements, does not speak and remains faithful over time.
La ragazza è visibile grazie ad un proiettore e reagisce alle vostre azioni tramite un sistema di sensori infrarosso .Sicuramente non si può paragonarla ad una bella ragazza in carne e ossa,ma diciamocelo,chi dopo una tremenda giornata di lavoro non vorrebbe raggomitolarsi con una dolce creatura? The girl is visible through a projector and reacts to your actions through a system of infrared sensors. Surely you can not compare to a beautiful girl in flesh and bones, but diciamocelo, who after a terrible day's work would not want raggomitolarsi with a sweet creature?
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La ragazza è visibile grazie ad un proiettore e reagisce alle vostre azioni tramite un sistema di sensori infrarosso .Sicuramente non si può paragonarla ad una bella ragazza in carne e ossa,ma diciamocelo,chi dopo una tremenda giornata di lavoro non vorrebbe raggomitolarsi con una dolce creatura? The girl is visible through a projector and reacts to your actions through a system of infrared sensors. Surely you can not compare to a beautiful girl in flesh and bones, but diciamocelo, who after a terrible day's work would not want raggomitolarsi with a sweet creature?
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Finally, Something Green At Banks Besides Greenbacks
Until now, our perception of the occurrence of green in relation to banks has inevitably led us to the conclusion that the subject was greenbacks. Now, we learn, to our watchful pleasure, that another sort of green can mollify our usual love-hate relationship with major and minor financial institutions toward the more tranquil sentiment.
We learned, with admitted tardiness, that three years ago ten of the globe's major financial institutions made the enlightened decision to comply with what are known as the Equator Principles, which were designed to assure that projects they finance don't harm the environment or the people close enough to the project to watch the groundbreaking. One of the signers of this commendable declaration was an American institution and it was, surprise, Citigroup.
By now the ranks of banks that have signed on have grown to forty-one, and we find among them the homegrown smacker backers Wells Fargo, J. P. Morgan Chase, and Bank of America.
The troupe calls itself the Equator Principles Financial Institutions.
And they've just made their principles more rigorous. Now, they will apply them to any project that has a capital cost of over $10 million, down from $50 million.
Of course, there are details to quibble about - and when weren't there? - like really how much are they willing to put green trees before green currency and is their new allegiance driven by reformed character or the increasing difficulty of obtaining permission to dig?
But at least when you head for one of the participating banks to accomplish something in relation to your own visions of greenery, you can contemplate their indulgence of the Equator Principles and find some equanimity in your thoughts about how you might think about the institution, particularly on those occasions when you find you've been assessed what seems to you an extortionate fee for a minor blip in your balance.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
We learned, with admitted tardiness, that three years ago ten of the globe's major financial institutions made the enlightened decision to comply with what are known as the Equator Principles, which were designed to assure that projects they finance don't harm the environment or the people close enough to the project to watch the groundbreaking. One of the signers of this commendable declaration was an American institution and it was, surprise, Citigroup.
By now the ranks of banks that have signed on have grown to forty-one, and we find among them the homegrown smacker backers Wells Fargo, J. P. Morgan Chase, and Bank of America.
The troupe calls itself the Equator Principles Financial Institutions.
And they've just made their principles more rigorous. Now, they will apply them to any project that has a capital cost of over $10 million, down from $50 million.
Of course, there are details to quibble about - and when weren't there? - like really how much are they willing to put green trees before green currency and is their new allegiance driven by reformed character or the increasing difficulty of obtaining permission to dig?
But at least when you head for one of the participating banks to accomplish something in relation to your own visions of greenery, you can contemplate their indulgence of the Equator Principles and find some equanimity in your thoughts about how you might think about the institution, particularly on those occasions when you find you've been assessed what seems to you an extortionate fee for a minor blip in your balance.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Field Notes on Country Linguistics
As Suzy stammered, my ears perked up. For distraction I called out, “Hey Kathy, put on another pot of coffee.” Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would not have distracted me. A linguistic calamity was eminent.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. It all moved in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phone from her hand before it's too late. But she had to learn to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord, I begged, don't let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy uttered the words, “We'll mam, I ain't fer sures on that.”
Across America, English professors collectively wept. My mind locked. How could she have said it again? She had been with our company four months. Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, you're pretty funny, I sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, “If you would not mind holding for one moment, I will find out the answer for you.” Ha! No such luck.
The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the customer’s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?
You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find, ‘a doins’ quite charming. Such as there's a doins at Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, festivities will take place at Bubba’s residence this evening.
‘Pert near’ is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on grammar as meaning, ‘almost’ not nearby. As in, pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, almost everyone, except the new city idiot, was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.
Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance), “Ya aint's fer sures on that,” translates as, “Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our product.” Following this with no offer to expand your knowledge and assist the customers says, “We may be illiterate, but that's ok. We also suck. Thank you and have a nice day.”
Tourists passing through the area have improperly translated another phrase. “What chya doin?” is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical “What's up?” or “What's happening?” Sadly, that is not its meaning. “What chya doin?” literally translates as, “What are you doing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.
“What chya doing?” is often asked when your activity could not be more blatantly obvious. For example: You're spreading cheese over flat dough topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger asks, “What chya doin?" Heads up: They literally have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack, “Installing solar panels." Before you know it, you'll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.
Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large numbers of Customer Service call centers. Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of India is highly educated and enunciates in a manner more understandable than that of South Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as the mother tongue, stand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians. How many groups will that statement offend? I ain't fer sures on that.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. It all moved in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phone from her hand before it's too late. But she had to learn to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord, I begged, don't let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy uttered the words, “We'll mam, I ain't fer sures on that.”
Across America, English professors collectively wept. My mind locked. How could she have said it again? She had been with our company four months. Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, you're pretty funny, I sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, “If you would not mind holding for one moment, I will find out the answer for you.” Ha! No such luck.
The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the customer’s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?
You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find, ‘a doins’ quite charming. Such as there's a doins at Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, festivities will take place at Bubba’s residence this evening.
‘Pert near’ is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on grammar as meaning, ‘almost’ not nearby. As in, pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, almost everyone, except the new city idiot, was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.
Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance), “Ya aint's fer sures on that,” translates as, “Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our product.” Following this with no offer to expand your knowledge and assist the customers says, “We may be illiterate, but that's ok. We also suck. Thank you and have a nice day.”
Tourists passing through the area have improperly translated another phrase. “What chya doin?” is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical “What's up?” or “What's happening?” Sadly, that is not its meaning. “What chya doin?” literally translates as, “What are you doing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.
“What chya doing?” is often asked when your activity could not be more blatantly obvious. For example: You're spreading cheese over flat dough topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger asks, “What chya doin?" Heads up: They literally have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack, “Installing solar panels." Before you know it, you'll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.
Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large numbers of Customer Service call centers. Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of India is highly educated and enunciates in a manner more understandable than that of South Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as the mother tongue, stand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians. How many groups will that statement offend? I ain't fer sures on that.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
FED Raises Interest Rates, Except On Existing Mortgages
The Federal Reserve took the unusually considerate step of raising the interest rate again while providing that banks could not raise the mortgage rates on people who already have mortgages with them.
While the banks called foul, the new head of the Fed commented, “I think it’s time to be forthright about how the Fed manages the economy and the consequences of it. As you know, when the economy slows down, we lower the rate to stimulate it, which inevitably results in people going out and buying homes for the simple reason that they can now afford them. Then when the economy picks up, we raise the rates, which has always meant the mortgage rates go right up with it. So a lot of these people can no longer afford their homes. Well, it’s time to end the carnage and come to the rescue of these poor suckers. Banks can raise the rates accordingly but only on new mortgages.”
“Ruined, ruined – we’ll be ruined!” a spokesman for Citibank wailed, as it declared record profits.
“This will break us,” a spokeswoman for Bank of America bemoaned.
Their comments soundly reminiscent of the cries that have until now echoed through the hallways of homes that would otherwise, in the wake of rising rates, be foredoomed to foreclosure.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
While the banks called foul, the new head of the Fed commented, “I think it’s time to be forthright about how the Fed manages the economy and the consequences of it. As you know, when the economy slows down, we lower the rate to stimulate it, which inevitably results in people going out and buying homes for the simple reason that they can now afford them. Then when the economy picks up, we raise the rates, which has always meant the mortgage rates go right up with it. So a lot of these people can no longer afford their homes. Well, it’s time to end the carnage and come to the rescue of these poor suckers. Banks can raise the rates accordingly but only on new mortgages.”
“Ruined, ruined – we’ll be ruined!” a spokesman for Citibank wailed, as it declared record profits.
“This will break us,” a spokeswoman for Bank of America bemoaned.
Their comments soundly reminiscent of the cries that have until now echoed through the hallways of homes that would otherwise, in the wake of rising rates, be foredoomed to foreclosure.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Exactly What Does "Stand Down" Mean?
While we’re certain that the phrase "stand down," which we hear with unaccustomed frequency in reference to our someday departure from Iraq, has a long and venerable history, we still cannot help but be niggled by what appears to us the apparent illogic of the postural invocation.
While we are not certain about the general experience of the human race, we are at least in regard to ourselves, pretty well convinced that the idea of “stand” is strikingly at variance with the positional adjustment required to achieve the state of being “down.”
Although we may be a bit perverse in our preference or conditioning, it seems to us that when we “stand,” we greatly increase the likelihood that we will more nearly approximate the position usually described as “up.”
We certainly understand that there is perhaps a subtle resistance in the military and the White House to associate our adjustments to military and diplomatic events with any term that so flagrantly flirts with the negative connotations that lurk within the word “down.” Yet it still seems to us that logic is on our side and that it would not be irreparably incriminating to refer to the adjustment in terms of our departure from Iraq as “standing aside,” while we allow the Iraqi army to “stand up.”
If we’re being entirely unreasonable here, we apologize, but our sense of postural propriety tends to intrude from time to time on our capacity to be deaf to its more flagrant abuses.
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While we are not certain about the general experience of the human race, we are at least in regard to ourselves, pretty well convinced that the idea of “stand” is strikingly at variance with the positional adjustment required to achieve the state of being “down.”
Although we may be a bit perverse in our preference or conditioning, it seems to us that when we “stand,” we greatly increase the likelihood that we will more nearly approximate the position usually described as “up.”
We certainly understand that there is perhaps a subtle resistance in the military and the White House to associate our adjustments to military and diplomatic events with any term that so flagrantly flirts with the negative connotations that lurk within the word “down.” Yet it still seems to us that logic is on our side and that it would not be irreparably incriminating to refer to the adjustment in terms of our departure from Iraq as “standing aside,” while we allow the Iraqi army to “stand up.”
If we’re being entirely unreasonable here, we apologize, but our sense of postural propriety tends to intrude from time to time on our capacity to be deaf to its more flagrant abuses.
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Everybody is Happy in Their Own Way
Morning. I’m running late to work as usual. I’m rushing out of the door, buttoning myself up on my way. There’s Ivan Kuzmich sitting on the bench. Everybody calls him Grandpa Kuzya, he is about 80 years old, but his mind is not that of an old man at all.
- You’re in a hurry again? – the old man asks.
- Yeah, no happiness in personal life, - I reply finishing buttoning up.
- That’s because you don’t know what happiness is, - he reproaches me.
It’s hard to put up, pay no heed that being 49 something I haven’t known happiness.
I stop short, realizing that now I’m sure to be late. But to catch the old man in his overweening delusion is far more important that telling-off at work. What could an elderly person know about happiness? If he ever had it, it was forgotten long ago.
- Ivan Kuzmich, and do you know what happiness is? Did you have a cool Mercedes, sexy mistress, pretty wife? And maybe you used to be The Party’s Secretary General? Or a major research worker? Maybe you found and proved the formula of happiness? Tell me. What is this all about?
- I’ll tell you just in a word as you’re in hurry. Just briefly and understandably.
Listen. Being at work do not think about alcohol and holidays. Celebrating a holiday do not think about work. Being next to your wife, do not think about mistress, while being with your mistress do not think about her husband. Don’t talk to a policeman about money and with kids and neighbors about your problems as the first won’t understand while the late will be glad. Don’t lend money, in the evening don’t borrow salt, don’t throw out garbage. Bring your salary home, don’t be jealous about your wife, check your kids’ marks, walk your dog sometimes. And the main thing – always think before you say something. Don’t say anything just to say. You know, a word spoken in past recalling. And for the head working well eat cereal in the morning.
- So you want to say that if I think only about my wife, don’t think about vodka, don’t talk about money with cops, don’t borrow salt from my neighbor and eat cereal in the morning, I’ll be a happy man? Is that you formula of happiness?
- That’s it, that’s my formula of happiness, - the old man replies with joy, - and you should find yours yourself. When you find it, you’ll feel like a happy man.
- Hey, it looks like you’re talking just to kill time. Cereal, vodka, cops… why should you tell me all this?
- Well… yesterday I’ve been to a dentist. Been installed new dentures. He said that I should speak a lot to get used to them. And here you are, I talked to you and seem to get used…
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
- You’re in a hurry again? – the old man asks.
- Yeah, no happiness in personal life, - I reply finishing buttoning up.
- That’s because you don’t know what happiness is, - he reproaches me.
It’s hard to put up, pay no heed that being 49 something I haven’t known happiness.
I stop short, realizing that now I’m sure to be late. But to catch the old man in his overweening delusion is far more important that telling-off at work. What could an elderly person know about happiness? If he ever had it, it was forgotten long ago.
- Ivan Kuzmich, and do you know what happiness is? Did you have a cool Mercedes, sexy mistress, pretty wife? And maybe you used to be The Party’s Secretary General? Or a major research worker? Maybe you found and proved the formula of happiness? Tell me. What is this all about?
- I’ll tell you just in a word as you’re in hurry. Just briefly and understandably.
Listen. Being at work do not think about alcohol and holidays. Celebrating a holiday do not think about work. Being next to your wife, do not think about mistress, while being with your mistress do not think about her husband. Don’t talk to a policeman about money and with kids and neighbors about your problems as the first won’t understand while the late will be glad. Don’t lend money, in the evening don’t borrow salt, don’t throw out garbage. Bring your salary home, don’t be jealous about your wife, check your kids’ marks, walk your dog sometimes. And the main thing – always think before you say something. Don’t say anything just to say. You know, a word spoken in past recalling. And for the head working well eat cereal in the morning.
- So you want to say that if I think only about my wife, don’t think about vodka, don’t talk about money with cops, don’t borrow salt from my neighbor and eat cereal in the morning, I’ll be a happy man? Is that you formula of happiness?
- That’s it, that’s my formula of happiness, - the old man replies with joy, - and you should find yours yourself. When you find it, you’ll feel like a happy man.
- Hey, it looks like you’re talking just to kill time. Cereal, vodka, cops… why should you tell me all this?
- Well… yesterday I’ve been to a dentist. Been installed new dentures. He said that I should speak a lot to get used to them. And here you are, I talked to you and seem to get used…
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Europeans Uncertain About Smoking Ban; Many Opt For Cancer
While Europeans generally support banning smoking in restaurants, many remain opposed to banning it in bars.
When interviewed, a British opponent of the ban said, “When I go to a pub, I like to smoke. I also like to inhale secondhand smoke. Then there’s the added benefit that the next day my clothes smell like an ashtray. So naturally I’m very much against banning it.”
“Let’s face it,” a Spanish opponent commented, “Dragging on a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, and then blowing it out is so exciting that I’d rather die in a bullring than quit.”
A French advocate of the ban in bars stated, “I like the catchy names of French cigarettes, like Gaulloises. Just feel how that polysyllable rolls on your tongue. But I’m just not a big fan of lung cancer.”
A German sighed, “I just wish somebody in Europe would open a bar for nonsmokers. At least, they’d know their customers will live long enough to become regulars.”
We asked a bartender in London what his opinion is. “I have to breathe cigarette smoke all day. So I like the ban. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting cancer. It’s that after about an hour at work, I start to cough and that makes pouring drinks a little chancy.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
When interviewed, a British opponent of the ban said, “When I go to a pub, I like to smoke. I also like to inhale secondhand smoke. Then there’s the added benefit that the next day my clothes smell like an ashtray. So naturally I’m very much against banning it.”
“Let’s face it,” a Spanish opponent commented, “Dragging on a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, and then blowing it out is so exciting that I’d rather die in a bullring than quit.”
A French advocate of the ban in bars stated, “I like the catchy names of French cigarettes, like Gaulloises. Just feel how that polysyllable rolls on your tongue. But I’m just not a big fan of lung cancer.”
A German sighed, “I just wish somebody in Europe would open a bar for nonsmokers. At least, they’d know their customers will live long enough to become regulars.”
We asked a bartender in London what his opinion is. “I have to breathe cigarette smoke all day. So I like the ban. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting cancer. It’s that after about an hour at work, I start to cough and that makes pouring drinks a little chancy.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Europeans Press Iran; Present Cartoon Of Bombs Dropping On Nuclear Plants
European negotiators, intent on reaching a peaceful agreement with Iran about its controversial nuclear program, resorted to a tactic that has recently proven to be the most reliable way to elicit a response in much of the Muslim world.
Remembering the extraordinary reaction to Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad and, again last week, demonstrations by an Iranian Turkish minority over a new cartoon that, they think, portrays them in an unfavorable light, the Europeans opted to incorporate a cartoon in their latest proposal that depicts bombs dropping on Iranian nuclear facilities.
During the next meeting with the usually smiling but dismissive Iranian nuclear negotiator, the French representative held up the explosive cartoon.
The Iranian negotiator sat back, and asked, “This cartoon is upsetting. Is it intended to be a hint?“
“I’m afraid so,” the British negotiator volunteered.
“Do you mind if I excuse myself?” he requested. “I must report this to our President!”
Then he ran with his Koran to call Iran.
“What? Another western cartoon that is insulting to Muslims?” President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad exploded. “Wait till the mighty mullahs I report to hear about this! Email me a copy right away!”
When the dutiful Ahmadinejad received it, he quickly printed it out and ran from mullah to mullah, as he often does, displaying the cartoon in his smiling, deferential way.
“What? A cartoon showing our sacred nuclear plants being blown up?” the mullah who ranks highest in the official order of the Muslim menagerie gasped.
"It looks that way," the President said. "What should we do?
“If the Iranian people get wind of this,” the wise cleric noted, “they might realize how much danger our inflammatory policies are exposing them to.”
“We don’t want that to happen,” Ahmadinejad agreed.
“No, no, remember, never trust the average Iranian. We haven’t, in our farseeing wisdom, provided them with enough education. So they could turn on us.”
“But if the bombs go off, they might suspect something,” the President dared to suggest.
“And what happens if our own military gets wind of the cartoon?” the mullah speculated. “They could also suspect we’re exposing them to unnecessary danger.”
“And make a preemptive attempt to save their own lives,” President Ahmadinejad put forward. “That is, I regret to report, they could stage a coup.”
“So it seems, like it or not,” the mullah brooded, “we must respond to the cartoon.”
“Or, if you’ll excuse my frankness, we could all be gone with the wind.”
“No, no, my turban could fly off, and I can't have that,” the cleric maintained. “Every child isn’t born with one for nothing. It’s Allah’s way of telling us always to wear one.” Then he reflected, “Anyway, after all these years, I forget what the top of my head looks like, and I don’t know how I’d react to seeing myself without it.”
“But I’ve defended our nuclear program so much, I sure could use a way to save face,” Ahmadinejad pleaded.
“No problem,” replied the mullah. “What if we have a cartoon drawn of you handing over an atom bomb to the Europeans, but with a nice big apologetic smile? Like first they make a joke; then we make a joke back?”
“I like it. I always wanted to be in my own cartoon.”
“And you can be. After all, you’re not Muhammad.”
“But where can I get a cartoon?” President Amadinejad wondered. “We just our leading cartoonist in jail for insulting the Turkish minority.”
The cleric considered the difficulty and then an inspiration sprouted under his darkened scalp. “Tell him if he draws it we’ll let him out of the clinker.”
“You are so wise, excellency,” the President replied. “I’ll call the jail right now.”
“No, no, go in person,” the mullah advised. “Then he can draw the cartoon while you’re there – 'from the life,' as infidel artists say.”
“Right again. It’s off to jail I go.” He rose and, as he turned to hurry off, exclaimed, “Allah, be praised! Being the President is one thing. But getting to be in a cartoon – even Muhammad can’t say that!”
“Excuse me,” the mullah said, somewhat taken aback by the allusion to Muhammad, and wagged his finger for Ahmadinejad to come closer. “You fail to understand, Mahmoud. The entire way you conduct yourself is, if you will excuse my advice, a cartoon. Be more serious, like me.” Then, pointing to his prized turban, he added, “And, by the way, it’s time you started wearing one of these sweaty delights yourself.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
Remembering the extraordinary reaction to Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad and, again last week, demonstrations by an Iranian Turkish minority over a new cartoon that, they think, portrays them in an unfavorable light, the Europeans opted to incorporate a cartoon in their latest proposal that depicts bombs dropping on Iranian nuclear facilities.
During the next meeting with the usually smiling but dismissive Iranian nuclear negotiator, the French representative held up the explosive cartoon.
The Iranian negotiator sat back, and asked, “This cartoon is upsetting. Is it intended to be a hint?“
“I’m afraid so,” the British negotiator volunteered.
“Do you mind if I excuse myself?” he requested. “I must report this to our President!”
Then he ran with his Koran to call Iran.
“What? Another western cartoon that is insulting to Muslims?” President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad exploded. “Wait till the mighty mullahs I report to hear about this! Email me a copy right away!”
When the dutiful Ahmadinejad received it, he quickly printed it out and ran from mullah to mullah, as he often does, displaying the cartoon in his smiling, deferential way.
“What? A cartoon showing our sacred nuclear plants being blown up?” the mullah who ranks highest in the official order of the Muslim menagerie gasped.
"It looks that way," the President said. "What should we do?
“If the Iranian people get wind of this,” the wise cleric noted, “they might realize how much danger our inflammatory policies are exposing them to.”
“We don’t want that to happen,” Ahmadinejad agreed.
“No, no, remember, never trust the average Iranian. We haven’t, in our farseeing wisdom, provided them with enough education. So they could turn on us.”
“But if the bombs go off, they might suspect something,” the President dared to suggest.
“And what happens if our own military gets wind of the cartoon?” the mullah speculated. “They could also suspect we’re exposing them to unnecessary danger.”
“And make a preemptive attempt to save their own lives,” President Ahmadinejad put forward. “That is, I regret to report, they could stage a coup.”
“So it seems, like it or not,” the mullah brooded, “we must respond to the cartoon.”
“Or, if you’ll excuse my frankness, we could all be gone with the wind.”
“No, no, my turban could fly off, and I can't have that,” the cleric maintained. “Every child isn’t born with one for nothing. It’s Allah’s way of telling us always to wear one.” Then he reflected, “Anyway, after all these years, I forget what the top of my head looks like, and I don’t know how I’d react to seeing myself without it.”
“But I’ve defended our nuclear program so much, I sure could use a way to save face,” Ahmadinejad pleaded.
“No problem,” replied the mullah. “What if we have a cartoon drawn of you handing over an atom bomb to the Europeans, but with a nice big apologetic smile? Like first they make a joke; then we make a joke back?”
“I like it. I always wanted to be in my own cartoon.”
“And you can be. After all, you’re not Muhammad.”
“But where can I get a cartoon?” President Amadinejad wondered. “We just our leading cartoonist in jail for insulting the Turkish minority.”
The cleric considered the difficulty and then an inspiration sprouted under his darkened scalp. “Tell him if he draws it we’ll let him out of the clinker.”
“You are so wise, excellency,” the President replied. “I’ll call the jail right now.”
“No, no, go in person,” the mullah advised. “Then he can draw the cartoon while you’re there – 'from the life,' as infidel artists say.”
“Right again. It’s off to jail I go.” He rose and, as he turned to hurry off, exclaimed, “Allah, be praised! Being the President is one thing. But getting to be in a cartoon – even Muhammad can’t say that!”
“Excuse me,” the mullah said, somewhat taken aback by the allusion to Muhammad, and wagged his finger for Ahmadinejad to come closer. “You fail to understand, Mahmoud. The entire way you conduct yourself is, if you will excuse my advice, a cartoon. Be more serious, like me.” Then, pointing to his prized turban, he added, “And, by the way, it’s time you started wearing one of these sweaty delights yourself.”
Courtesy of inscriere in directoare
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